Torture Victims Awarded Olympic Medals

Funny story written by PP Rega

Saturday, 13 September 2008

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Yesterday, the Olympics people, in an apparent nose-thumbing gesture to China, unanimously decided to award Olympic medals to political detainees who were jailed and allegedly tortured when they attempted to apply for a political protest permit during the Beijing Olympics.

The announcement was made in Geneva, Switzerland by Olympics spokesperson, Duc Henri Rochard, as a Chinese delegation hooted and hollered and flung melamine-contaminated chopsticks at him.

Duc Henri announced that medals were awarded based upon the length of time that the detainees were subjected to the tortures before they sustained an autonomic crisis, such as fainting, vomiting or uncontrollable defecating.

The winners were announced in the following events:

1) Waterboarding:

    a. Gold: Sam Jaffe (Canada) - 86 minutes
    b. Silver: Wye No Fat (Singapore) -- 57 minutes
    c. Bronze: Giueseppe Tedesco (Italy) -- 41 minutes

2) Bamboo Slivers Under The Fingernails

    a. Gold: Wun Hung Lo (China)- 2 days,10 hours,43 minutes
    b. Silver: Cilusio Panavaraca (Philippines)-2 days,1 hour, 34 minutes
    c. Bronze: Zorba Finkelstein (Greece)-1 day, 4 hours, 3 minutes

3) Watching Continuous Reruns of the Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi Wedding

    a. Gold: Anne Heche (USA) - 89 seconds
    b. Silver: Mustafa al-Sharif (Kuwait) -- 36 seconds
    c. Bronze: Seymour Butz (UK) -- 16 seconds

The award ceremonies will be held next June in Oslo, Norway.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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