The Vatican has issued a brand new set of the ten commandments after a "rethink" over the messages contained on the slabs of stone Moses carefully dragged down the mountain after speaking to God.
The Pope has stated in the past that he thought that the "old commandments" as they will now become known were not applicable to today's Catholics. He is also insistent that God drove a red Alpha Romeo as described in the lost Bible of St Pulcus and as depicted in the contemporary film of the time Ben Hur. Accordingly a seperate set of commandments is available for motorists and can be downloaded from the Vatican website.
Pope Ratzlinger has revised the famous commandments as:
- Thou shalt not kill and subsequently get away with it.
- Thou shalt not drive past another motorist in trouble unless their car is better than yours.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours teenage mini-skirted daughter (or son).
- Thou shalt not steal unless thou art high enough up in government to get away with it convincingly.
- Thou shalt not eat the crap that McDonalds sells as food.
- Thou shalt not comment on thy neighbour's wife's beard even if you are strangely attracted to it.
- Thou shalt always put notes in the collection rather than coins.
- Thy shalt not worship pop idols.
- Thou shalt not,under any circumstances, attempt to assassinate the Pope.
- Thou shalt not leave up the toilet seat.
The Pope hopes that the corrected version of the commandments will "enlighten Christian lives and give better guidance than the old version."
Pope Ratslinger commented, "Lie, steal, become a Protestant, we already know this stuff is bad, God wouldn't have stated the obvious, it was translated wrong all those years ago. He told me this himself just yesterday."