Palermo, Italy - (ReUterus): A Sicilian company has unveiled its first edition of The Good Confession Guide which star-rates over 100,000 Catholic priests according to the the size of backhander tariffs they charge in exchange for the most lurid admissions of criminality.
The publication is the result of an earlier probe by Rome-based Il Spoofo magazine which surveyed the clerics by plying them with fake confessions and taping their absolution conditions.
Reporters posed as confessants and admitted to disgusting, sacrilegious imaginary sins to test the priests' penance grading systems.
"We got the best results in Rome, where 100 Euros is the standard rap for 'fessing up to one act of adultery.
"Buggery of an altarboy comes in at a very reasonable 25 Euros while seducing a police officer during the course of an embezzlement investigation gets you three Hail Marys and a Glory Be."
However, across the border in Zurich things are very different: "Swiss prelates are all in the pay of Opus Dei flagellants and take the penance/absolution business very seriously.
"You need a swipe card to get into a Swiss confessional box before so much as a Bless me Father for I have Sinned opening gambit.
"Once they got your pin number in their system, a strict tariff automatically kicks in to your bank account or Papal PayPal credit card and skims off at 50 Euros per transgression.
"But if you lie or cover up something, the electronic gadgetary in the confessional automatically senses the depth of your mendacity and doubles each fine up to a 1,000 Euros limit per sin. But careful in case you exceed your credit limit or go into unauthorised overdraft because the consequences can be difficult.
"Alternatively, if you are a member of Opus Dei yourself, you can voluntatirly opt for the flagellation alternative in the back room behind the sacristy where Sister Heidi from the local nunnery dispenses absolution at 500 Euros per session. Bring your own antiseptic and steri-wipes."
An Online edition of the Guide follows shortly.
