Tedious pop con artist Ronan Keaton has been revealed as the latest weapon in the war on terror. Keaton's records have been identified as "100% more effective" than the stress position and other forms of torture used to extract information from foreigners in orange boiler suits at Guantanamo bay.
Chief Torturer Colonel Spiv is astonished by the results, "two minutes into that dreary vocal with its pretentious gravely bits and these foreigners and terrorists will admit to anything. Hell, one fellow owned up to being Bin Laden himself just to make it stop."
Scientists have identified that the self-satisfaction, smugness, false gravel and unimaginativeness of Keaton's work serves it irritate the human psyche way beyond what can be tolerated. If we really want to crank it up we play them excerpts from his interviews as well, Keaton's true unpleasantness is more than even the most hardened terrorists can stand.
Keaton, who shot to fame doing a stupid dance wearing a backwards cap on some Irish chat show in a desperate plea for fame is now "a credible recording artist with a great voice", says Louis Walsh, "and we are proud he is contributing to the safety of the world with his talent."
