Neanderthal Man Pissed In His Own Privet

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 7 June 2018


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A couple who went to view a council house in the West Midlands were astonished when the next-door-neighbor emerged from his own home, looked the newcomers up and down, unzipped the fly in his jeans, and urinated in his privet.

The incident took place in the Lower Gornal area of Dudley in 2008, but I've only just remembered it.

Moys Kenwood, then 44, and his Thai then-wife turned up at the address to give it the 'once-over', but, having arrived early, they sat down on the doorstep to await the council official who had the keys to the property, and who would show them around it.

The viewing of the 'bricks and mortar' became almost unimportant however, when the bare-chested descendant of a recently-tree-dwelling tribe of apes came lunging out of his house to give his prospective new neighbors his very own 'once-over'. The beast looked straight at the couple, and obviously spotted something he didn't like about them. Without shifting his gaze, he reached for his zip, walked over to his privet hedge, and watered it with piss. Whilst so doing, he shouted down the street to some children that nobody could yet see:

"Get in here for your fucking dinners, you lot!"

From nowhere, there were suddenly half-a-dozen urchins homing-in on their 'fucking dinners', all looking like extras from a remake of 'Oliver', and none of whom you would want living next-door to you.

At that precise moment, the council official drove up in his car, but could see for himself that he'd had a wasted journey when his eyes fixed on the Neanderthal Neighbor, and his brats running amok.

The three people in this story who did not belong in the town's zoo, spoke briefly to schedule a meeting later that week, and then fled the scene.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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