New York, (NY) - William F. Powell, 27, was arrested on March 2 for giving distressed and disadvantaged IHOP patrons so many free drinks between Aug. 7, 2015 and Feb. 18 of this year that he might go to prison. Yes, these horrid acts of benevolent caring and do-goodership occurred at the IHOP at 253 Livingston Street in Brooklyn; and this tea-bagging operative really doesn't care if poor folks go thirsty, let alone hungry, according to a criminal complaint, along with a bit of editorializing by some know-it-all jackass of The Spoof writer.
Alexandra Leon, a writer for DNAinfo, penned a true-crime story on these heinous acts of Good Samaritanship on the part of Mr. Powell, along with the Ebenezer Scrooge type of personality that this particular IHOP franchise owner has exhibited.
Powell was charged with grand larceny, criminal possession of stolen property, and petit larceny. His next court appearance is scheduled for May 11, the DNAinfo article reads.
"I am the modern-day Robin Hood, I am not stealing, I am serving the ones in need, I take from the rich and give to the poor," Powell told investigators after he was caught, according to the complaint.
Far from being a corporate communist, Powell would be a good guy to have around if you're dying from thirst in the middle of the desert. And for many, New York City, and in particular, Brooklyn, is indeed a desert.
Akrell Cox, owner of this particular IHOP franchise, told police he grew suspicious when he noticed Powell's beverage sales were at 6 percent of the total receipt compared to 17 to 20 percent for other employees working the same shift and schedule, the complaint reads.
Cox reviewed surveillance footage starting in August of last year and said he noticed that Powell was serving customers the typical number of drinks, the complaint suggests. When Cox gave a bird's eye look-see into the three-hundred-and-ten-mile stream of surveillance footage, he saw that Powell hadn't been charging customers for any drinks and that he had even seen the young waiter hand out 'drinks on the house', according to prosecutors, the DNAinfo article reads.
Defending his charitable, nice guy behavior, Powell complained: "What's the big deal? I've been doing this since I started here," the DNAinfo article says.
I was so impressed by the valiant efforts of this do-gooder, William F. Powell, that I took the time to pen a Papal Bull and mail it with certified stamping to Pope Francis in Rome. Here are some of the excerpts of the 278-page white paper:
Dear Pope Francis -
As for us Catholics, Lent is upon us and this is a time when we should be good to one another. Don't you think? I know you're a man who says what you feel and you feel what you say. So I am petitioning you to canonize a twenty-seven-year-old native New Yorker by the name of William F. Powell as a Roman Catholic saint.
Now I know that all the saints who have thus far been canonized were given these blessed honors long after they've passed from this slime pit called Mother Earth. So this request will definitely be a hard sell. You're also a hard-nosed religious traditionalist who is big enough to have played linebacker for the New Orleans Saints when you were younger - if you had not instead chosen a life of the cloth - so I don't want to piss you off too much. I certainly don't want a man of your stature to come hunting me down.
...Let me tell you something, Pope Francis: NYC is the meanest place in this entire rattlesnake-infested world. To be thirsty in NYC is a lot like being bone-dry and parched in the middle of the Serengeti or in Flint, Michigan. So please, please, continue reading this 278-page rambling wreck of a rant and rave and please, please, canonize William F. Powell as a Roman Catholic saint and if you will, tell all your followers to never go into the Brooklyn IHOP at 253 Livingston Street even if hell really does catch fire. Okay Big Guy?
...This is too much. Charging this young man with felonious crimes when he was only trying to give a splash or Coke, root beer, or coffee to some poor bag lady or skid row bum who came into the Brooklyn IHOP without even three pennies to rub together.
If you need a miracle, Pope Francis, I saw one with my very own eyes. I visited the young waiter after he got bailed out of the hoosegow. I figured he'd need a sympathetic ear, perhaps even a shoulder to cry on. Anyhow, William F. Powell turned a glass of ginger ale into grape wine. He made me wear a blindfold as he pulled this switcheroo. After the miracle was accomplished, there was a little bottle of purple food coloring sitting beside the glass of soda. Next to the glass was a larger bottle of rubbing alcohol. But let's just overlook this little factual tidbit, okay?
...I hope in your heart of hearts that you bestow on William F. Powell the courtesy title of 'Saint'. It would be good for him to have such a moniker added to his name - Saint William F. Powell, in other words - so the really lowdown and nasty criminals he'll be incarcerated with in some penitentiary in the New York State Prison System don't rough him up to much for 'being nice to others'.
Look at the generosity involved here. The Good Samaritanship on the part of Mr. Powell, Pope Francis. It's enough to even impress a Pope! Am I right or am I wrong?!
- Jersey City, New Jersey
Anyhow, the Papal Bull is in the mail and it's on its way to Europe. I'll let all of you interested and engaged The Spoof readers know if William F. Powell is actually canonized a Roman Catholic saint. That is, if you don't read about it in The New York Times or the New York Post first.
Stay thirsty, my friends.