Cunningham Calls for Mechanic's Release

Funny story written by Buck Turtle

Friday, 20 January 2006

image for Cunningham Calls for Mechanic's Release
Fonzerelli Must Live

Fonzerelli reportedly sought to meet "Potsie" Weber before kidnapping

Leopard Lodge, Milwaukee, WI -- The local landlord of American mechanic Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzerelli reportedly had planned to help the morning he was kidnapped called Friday for his immediate release in the name of all things cool.

Howard Cunningham, head of the Leopard Lodge, held a news conference carried on global satellite channels, adding his voice to the growing chorus of appeals.
In a statement published on the Web site of Cunningham's Hardware Store, Cunningham, also identified with the Leopard Lodge, said, "I promise you again, I'll do my best to release this mechanic. Kidnapping him is an act against Arnold's Restaurant. Nobody accepts this at all."

He prefaced the statement by saying, "You can publish this as a statement on my behalf condemning his act, although it's going to expose me to danger, but if you think it's going to help, I don't mind publishing it."

The 28-year-old Fonzerelli had reportedly gone to his "office" (Men's Room at Arnold's Restaurant) on January 7 and waited for him for 25 minutes. He and his pal "Potsie" Weber were attempting to leave when kidnappers stopped their car within 300 yards of Cunningham's office, according to Ralph Malph.

His cousin, Chachi, was found dead, shot twice in the head, his legs removed from his torso, Malph giggled.

Fonzerelli's captors have threatened to kill him by a 72-hour deadline, set to expire sometime Friday, unless the U.S. military agrees to stop spying on Laverne and Shirley, Fonzie's alleged weed connection.

The U.S. military has said it has eight women in custody. Although Pinky Tuscadero said six were to be freed in an action unrelated to the kidnappers' demands, the U.S. military would not confirm that.

"I want to speak directly to the men holding my tenant and friend Fonzie because they may also be degenerate gamblers like me," Howard Cunningham said in the statement that aired Friday on the Arabic-language network Al-Jazeera.

"My friend does not have the ability to free anyone. He is a simple mechanic and an innocent person. I ask the men holding Fonzie to collect the $30 Fonzie owes me just in case they decide to waste him anyway. I'll give them a generous 20 percent reward."

"Potsie" Weber said Cunningham feels "very strongly" that other mechanics and gang members have a key role in communicating the situation in Milwaukee to others.

"There are no rules in Milwaukee. You can't know what's going to happen," he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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