Cindy Sheehan Molested, Camp in Shock

Funny story written by chris finch

Friday, 26 August 2005

CRAWFORD, TX -- Camp Casey finds itself in a new controversy that has shocked thousands of anti-war protesters. A camp councilor has been accused of sexually molesting Cindy Sheehan.

"Who would ever guess this could happen at such a place?" One shocked protester exclaims. "Have you seen the quality of women here. They're all granola and unshaven."

That sentiment is echoed all around Camp Casey after the accusations spread to every corner. But, more surprising than the fact someone was sexually molested, it is the target that has many here baffled.

"Have you seen the woman? She should be so lucky that she's touched, or looked at for that matter," Tim Masters, anti-Sheehan protester said. "I heard her husband ran off because he didn't agree with her politics. Yeah, right."

The accused counselor, Buddy Teevers, is a deaf man, here to make sure campers spirits are kept high and that they get plenty of art and leisure in with their protesting. As police took him into custody, he maintained his innocence.

"I'm deaf not blind. Jesus Christ, you can't believe these accusations. I wouldn't (explicative) her with George Bush's (explicative)," Teevers screamed as he was put into a police cruiser.

The incident was alleged to have happened when Sheehan got back to camp around 3 a.m. on Thursday morning. Witnesses say Teevers walked towards Sheehan as she got out of her car. She said something in audible to him. He kept walking closer, then without warning, accosted her.

"My client did nothing of the sort," Mike Times, lawyer for Teevers, said. "He's deaf. She was barking orders at him, and it's tough to read lips coming from such a distorted face. It was three in the morning, he was tired and just trying to read her lips."

Sheehan had no comment on the alleged incident at press time, but her spokesperson said she is shaken up.

"Miss Sheehan knows that she is somewhat of a symbol of freedom and, of course, sexuality. She acknowledges she must be careful. When men join her cause, they do it for the right reason, but after a while of being around all these other protesters, Cindy probably starts to look pretty good," Mia Von Hootnip, her publicist said.

Investigators are still piecing together clues, hoping not to start another protest.

"I don't know what this world is coming too," Sheriff Pecoal Train said. "You here about old ladies and young kids getting molested, even animals, but Cindy Sheehan. This world is full of real sickos.

"We don't want anymore protesters down here talking about 'free Teevers' or 'ugly people have feelings too. We'll sort this out."

Hopefully before more controversy can strike the small Texas town.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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