Arnold Ziffel Appointed Secretary of Agriculture

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Wednesday, 10 August 2005

image for Arnold Ziffel Appointed Secretary of Agriculture
Hooterville Native Arnold Ziffel was appointed to be the new Secretary of Agriculture by President Bush

(Hooterville) In a move to strengthen his cabinet, President Bush nominated Hooterville's favorite son, Arnold ZIffel, as the new Secretary of Agriculture.

This selection is seen as popular on both sides of the house and should easily pass the Senate comfirmation hearing.

Arnold is the son of Fred and Doris Ziffel and was raised here on their Hooterville farm. He graduated with honor from Hooterville High and won the prestigious Haney Scholarship to the community college. He later transferred to the University of Arkansas, where he received his doctorate in Ag Sciences. He has run the family farm successfully for years due to the declining health of his father.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson applauded the nomination also. "Even though we are from different ends of the political spectrum, Arnold Ziffel's nomination speaks for affirmative action and the Rainbow Coalition. It is a step forward for farm yard animals everywhere. Arnold is our prestigious political pig. The senate must select the swine to serve."

John Kerry, one of the few who opposed the nomination, had this to say in a released statement: "This is just pork-barrel politics all over again. I didn't think even W. had the chops to sink this low. I saw the press conference where he was trying to ham it up with the pig, and it was obvious that he was really bacon for attention. He really is trying to make a silk purse from a sow's ear with this one."

Sam Drucker, local businessman and president of the chamber of commerce, was pleased. "Arnold's always been a good boy. I'm really happy for him and his family. He'll do the farmers a lot of good."

Another local, however, was somewhat dismayed. Local attorney Oliver Wendell Douglas, in his usual prejudicial rantings, said "but he's just a pig! He's always been a pig. He may be smarter than the President and the rest of his cabinet, but he's still a pig!"

His wife, Lisa Douglas, does not share the same viewpoint on Arnold. Hotcakes will be served in a party at his honor at the Douglas farmhouse this evening. He will depart tomorrow morning from the train station at Petticoat Junction for his trip to Washington D.C. The public is invited to both events.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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