The American Federation of Owls has filed a lawsuit in the courts for defamation of character against the Hooters restaurant chain. In describing their problems and allegations with the bar and eatery, Billy Barn Owl said, "Sure, we got problems with that group. Where shall I begin?"
"Let's start with the name: Hooters. When people used to think of Hooters, they'd think about my cousins, the hoot owls: a real nice bunch of guys. Now, of course, hooters are a synonym for large human mammaries. There are a lot of other words that they can, and have, used for these infant feeding glands. Why can't they call their chain bosoms, knockers, torpedoes, ta-tas, busts, boulders, racks, teats, tits, or any one of a million other names? Owls are avian, and we all know that birds do not have breasts, especially large ones!"
"Another problem with using the name Hooters has to do with the menu. There is no owl on the menu. We do think this is a good thing, but do find it misleading. If some fox or bear comes in expecting to eat a plate of night owl, he is going to disappointed. Who is he then going to blame! The owls. Predatory mammals will go on a rampage and commit genocide against our species just because you are not selling what you advertise."
"It is also not a restaurant that caters to the needs of owls. There are no mice or rabbits on the menu at all. There is a lot of chicken, but we do not eat our distant cousins and would consider this cannibalism."
"Now let's look at the owl in the logo. He has his eyes wide open like he is enjoying the thing the restaurant is famous for; overly busty women in tight tops and short shorts. Owls are not turned on by human females. It does not matter if they are large or flat chested. It does not matter if they are in parkas or bikinis. It would be a perversion for us to ogle a woman primate, regardless of how others see her standards of beauty. On second thought, maybe "standards" is not the right word to use when speaking of this restaurant."
"Some of our other problems are that owls do not frequent sports bars, owls do not drink alcoholic beverages, owls have never been paid any licensing fees for use of the name or logo by the restaurant chain, and owls females never wear white t-shirts and orange short shorts."
"We're just not very happy right now and are getting tired of the bad publicity. I mean, we don't have any owl social institution called "vulvas" after human reproductive organs, so why should humans be allowed to have ones called hooters?"
This magazine dispatched a reporter to the restaurant to interview employees to get their comments on this lawsuit. All reporters, the copy editor, a facts checker, and the advertising department all felt the need to accompany him to provide support and take pictures: a lot of pictures. This was seven hours ago and they have not yet returned.
One Hooters girl named Candie, reached by phone, had these comments about the lawsuit: "I don't know much about any kind of suits but swimsuits, and I always wear a thong bikini. I like flowery ones or leopard stripes best. Did you want to reserve a table?"
As this story obviously needs more research, this reporter will follow up after a more personal investigation.
