Leading anti-cruelty organization PETA is demanding that SeaWorld stop masturbating Tilikum the killer whale, alleging that it is an abusive way to treat him, because "he is your chief sperm bank."
In response, Tilikum has demanded that they continue the practice.
"We know from SeaWorld's own director of safety, as well as videos on the web," said a spokesperson, "that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow's vagina filled with hot water."
"You're damned right," said Tilicums, via his agent. "My contract with Seaworld clearly stipulates that, in exchange for performing in 12 shows a day, I am fed, have my own pool to relax in, and twice a day a trainer comes in and... um... goes Hands Solo on Darth Vader's head."
And whale jizz seems to be big business for Seaworld.
"Since his arrival at SeaWorld, Tilikum has sired many calves with many different females through artificial insemination," said a Seaworld spokesperson. "His first calf, Fifi Trixibelle, was born in September, 1993. Tillikum's other calves are: Pilot Inspektor (born 1993, died 1996. Verdict: delicious!), Blanket (1996), Moxie Crimefighter (1998), Apple (1999), Rumer (2000), Scout (2001), Tallulah Belle (2002), Diva Thin Muffin (2002), Suri (2004), and Jermajesty (2007). That's a f--king pimp hand!"
"Look, I'm not trying to make waves here," continued Tillycum. "But I've already killed 3 trainers. The first one was because I do not eat perch, and he tried to feed me perch. 'Is that perch?' "Um... Yes?' 'Chomp-CHOMP, motherf--ker."
"The second and third had to die because they were 1/2 hour late with the hot-water-filled cow vag," said the orca. "Varnish the flagpole on time, and everyone gets to go home to their family."
