San Francisco Bans Toys in Happy Meals, Encourages Drug Use, and Same-Sex Relations

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Sunday, 7 November 2010


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San Francisco is one of the most beautiful cities in the world. And whether you want a night of rough trade with a pretty young boy, or $40.00 worth of wobbly pills to make the night go better, San Francisco has it.

Just don't try to order a Happy Meal from McDonalds, because they are illegal.

"We are not happy with the recent ruling by San Francisco authorities banning Happy Meals," said McDonalds President Ronald McDonald, the third generation of McDonalds leading the fast food chain. "Perhaps if we introduced penis-flavored french fries, the legislature would be OK with them."

The response came after the Californian city's board of supervisors voted to forbid restaurants from giving gifts with meals that contain too much fat and sugar.

Happy Meals, which typically come in a colorful cardboard box packed with a burger, a drink, fries, desert, and enough sodium and fat to kill an African elephant, are popular with hard-pressed parents as well as children.

"I have three daughters," says Keyport, NJ resident Anthony Rosania. "And after a tough day, a delicious, nutritious McDonalds Happy Meal shut the little f--kers up faster than Benadryl dissolved in chocolate milk... Not that I'd ever do that to them. Again. The Judge was clear that that can't occur any more."

"We are extremely proud of our Happy Meals which give our youngest guests wholesome food and toys of the highest quality," said McDonald. "Getting a toy and a hamburger made from cow assholes and sawdust with a kid's meal is just one part of a fun, family experience at McDonald's."

Under the ban agreed in a preliminary vote Tuesday, restaurants in San Francisco would have to provide fruit and vegetables with meals accompanied by free toys, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.

"This is a tremendous victory for fascism," said the state education board's Eric Mar, chief sponsor of the legislation. "Let's be clear: anal sex equals good, a plastic toy resembling the main character of Disney's latest Pixar movie equals bad."

Up next, San Francisco will vote on a ban against watching two consecutive SpongeBob episodes, toys with bright colors, and limiting kids under 14 to only having fun on Saturdays, between 1pm and 4pm.

The legislature will also vote on making "Power Bottom" an ethnicity, replacing 'Pacific Islander' on all official city documents.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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