For the 24 people who are actually excited about Conan O'Brien's new show on a major network -- Oh, I'm sorry, Conan is persona non grata on broadcast TV-- sources have stated that Conan is bringing on the heavy-hitters to launch the new show.
The first show will feature "Nutcracker Lady" Arlene Wagner!
"Yeah, she's the biggest name he could get for the first show," said the executive producer, who will be fired within the year. "It's all f--king downhill from here."
Rumours abound regarding Lerch's ginger-topped younger brother, whose TBS show is expected to draw about as many viewers as "Puerto Rican Panorama", a community service show which airs Sunday mornings at 4:30AM on 6ABC in Philadelphia, and whether he can draw exciting guests to his show.
"Absolutely, we are excited about who'll be on during our first week," said Conan, while laying on a bed stuffed with the money NBC paid him to make Jay Leno happy.
"In our premiere week, we will have the following guests:
Jessica McClure-Morales, who became famous in the 80's as Baby Jessica, who fell into a well in Texas. She then went on to disappoint her parents by marrying a Mexican.
Beth Howland, who played Vera on the hit TV show "Alice".
Lorena Bobbitt, who apparently used to cut sausages with a scissors.
The Prince Andrew, Duke of York, KG, KCVO, CD, ADC(P), whoever the f--k that is."
Producers also say that Conan will have musical guests on each show, beginning with Young M.C., who will perform his hit, "How Long Can I Live Off The Royalties (Off Wild Thing and Funky Cold Medina) Feat. Da Brat, Samamthan Fox and Spinderella.
Conan launches November 8th, and will be cancelled by January.
