Several major matchmaker websites for singles have jointly decided to change criteria for physical looks in their sites. The reasons given included a large number of falsehoods by subscribers in describing their characteristics and attributes.
Richard Loveman, a representative of superlovematch.com, said in a press conference: "We have discovered that everyone on all of these type of sites is of average weight and height. None of the men are losing any hair, none of the women are flat chested, and no one has false teeth. Also, everyone thinks that the most important characteristics they are looking for in a relationship are "sense of humor" and "nice personality." We have also discovered that a majority of the people post either pictures of themselves that are over ten years old or of friends or neighbors. We decided to start everyone out in the average range and just try to fit them in to the right section of average."
To attempt to control these issues, surveys will now ask the following questions:
Describe your weight:
a. average (I make Olive Oyl look fat)
b. average (I do not throw up after every meal!)
c. average (standard build)(a.k.a. average average or medium medium)
d. average (I could lose a few)
e. average (No, I'm not pregnant)
f. average (They're called love handles, try 'em)
g. average (I need new shocks/struts on my side of the car)
Describe your height:
a. average (Yes, I could have been in The Wizard of Oz)
b. average (I hate the "Short People" song and took it personally)
c. average (Yes, I do look up to a lot of people)
d. average (I feel comfortable around most people, providing they are also average average)
e. average (the first number in my height is a "6")
f. average (Yes, I've played a little basketball)
g. average (The weather up here is fine)
Describe your breast size: (women only)
a. average (They have cups in bras?)
b. average (I'm was a straight A student too)
c. average (I believe that anything more than a handful is excess)
d. average (Si Senor)
e. average (Yes, I did work for Hooters in college)
f. average (Dolly Parton, eat your heart out!)
g. average (I wear a 280-ZX, not drive one)
What do you look for in a man/husband/boyfriend? (women answer only)
a. sense of humor, personality, and a big package
b. sense of humor, personality, and a fat bank account
c. sense of humor, personality, and no potential mother in law
d. sense of humor, personality, and great teeth
e. sense of humor, personality, and a great behind
f. sense of humor, personality, and no ex-wife
What do you look for in a woman/girlfriend/wife? (men answer only)
a. sense of humor, personality, and nice knockers
b. sense of humor, personality, and big knockers
c. sense of humor, personality, and great knockers
d. sense of humor, personality, and huge knockers
e. sense of humor, personality, hot knockers and a great butt
f. sense of humor, personality, hot knockers, a great butt, long legs, and no kids
Describe your mother (my future mother in law):
a. the greatest mother on earth, who will soon be out of prison
b. the greatest mother on earth, who sometimes forgets her medication
c. the greatest mother on earth, even if she is a control freak
d. the greatest mother on earth, who has always been a shrew to my dates
e. the greatest mother on earth, which is why I live four states away
f. the greatest mother on earth, and she tells me this daily
g. the greatest mother on earth, God rest her soul
h. the greatest mother on earth (she told me to say that)
i. the greatest mother on earth, and a micro-manager
In this era of AIDS and other S.T.D.s, please describe your history of sexual activity:
a. average (I'm a trekkie)
b. average (I got drunk and nailed by a neighbor)
c. average (Arkansas: where incest is best)
d. average (Does same sex stuff count?)
e. average (Does oral count?)
f. average (Does anyone else have to be involved?)
g. average (I can't wait for Saturday!)
h. average (tri-weekly)
i. average (try weekly)
j. average (try weakly)
k. average (rabbits are my heroes)
l. average (I like the hourly motel room rental rates)
How long of a time would it take you to earn $100,000?
a. average length of time (that's a lot of welfare checks)
b. average length of time (you want fries with that?)
c. average length of time (should I include my unreported income?)
d. average length of time (If I hadn't gotten fired by that idiot,…)
e. average length of time (How many times passing go is that?)
f. average length of time (Give me your car title, and I can win it in online poker)
g. average length of time (I'll have it right after the plane gets in from Columbia)
h. average length of time (it depends on the market this week)
i. average length of time (got a stopwatch?)
These questions should be downloaded to all sites by Monday.
