Congressman Gerald Hakken was found yesterday to be not guilty of roughly 7% of the ethics violations he has been accused of.
"This is a great day" exclaimed Hakken. "I told them I didn't actually take a few of those bribes, now America knows the truth!" Hakken was surrounded by his wife, family, mistress and boyfriend at the time of the statement.
"We stand by Gerald" stated his wife and this was agreed with by his boyfriend. They then added "We have high hopes that another 3% of the charges will have some semi-substantial doubt cast upon them! That would make him possibly one tenth less repugnant than originally thought."
Hakken, who blamed Fox News for much of his problems, said that "the multiple ethics violations I faced are a little less multiple that we thought. I am proud of that fact. My constituents deserve a representative who isn't quite as vile as everyone was saying. They have that now!"
