Both Sides Against The Middle:
Washington has announced the sale of 24 F16 jet fighter planes to Pakistan as a reward for it's support of the United States in the War On Terrorism. Pakistan, which is responsible for the dissemination of it's nuclear technology throughout the Asia, Africa and the Indian sub continent through it's scientist-hero A. K. Khan, has been a reliable ally to President Bush in spite of the fact that one day it's technology will be used to destroy the planet. President Bush has promised anyone who'll support him and his crumbling Coalition of the Killing as many bombs, fighters, guns and land mines as they want, just so long as they pretend to like him whenever Laura's around.
In a related story, the White House has promised to give India anti missile systems designed to detect and shoot down the F16's that it just promised to sell to Pakistan so everything's still Jake there. Next week, the United States is planning on giving Taiwan 754 nuclear first strike weapons and China 3 small rowboats.
Let's Put a Little Phreak Into Virginity:
A study co-authored by professors from Yale and Columbia Universities has found that teenagers who have pledged to remain virgins till marriage have not foregone all sexual activity, only intercourse; instead, they've been indulging in oral and anal sex as a way to make up the sexual shortfall. While holding to the letter, if not the spirit of the abstinence contract the study found that the transmission rate of STD's has not been reduced at all. On the other hand, young Conservative Christian girls seem to be more popular in the dating pool than ever.
This "Kinking Up of Christianity" has left some parents at a loss as to how to deal with their teenage daughters. On father, the Reverend Cleatus F. Masterson said, "I was amazed when I read the results of the study. I used to go and give my daughter a good night kiss every evening before bed, but now I just shake hands with her. And when she kneels to pray I keep getting these other images in my head. I'm ready to just tear up the virginity contract and let the little slut have straight sex."
But If You Do Get Pregnant, We Have A Cure For That Too:
In a shockingly related story, President George W. Bush's nominee for head of the Food and Drug Administration has indicated at his confirmation hearing that the FDA will approve the emergency Plan B morning after contraceptive pill for over the counter sale. Acting FDA Commissioner Lester B. Crawford stopped short of formally announcing the decision but left little doubt as to which way his agency would go.
President Bush, when asked about the abortion pill debate said, " I nominated Crawford for the post, so I must agree with him that abortion is okay. And if I remember correctly from my alcohol and drug addled days as a jet pilot, anal and oral sex is pretty neat too."
Conservative Christian groups, whose support of Bush won him re-election last November are said to be getting behind the concept of both contraceptives and weird sex, since they believed President Bush was God's choice to lead America and therefore this must be what God wants. Many churches are said to be planning Christian Kinky Sex Nights for their children.
