Fat Tuesday Doughnut Eating Contest Ends in Horror

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

image for Fat Tuesday Doughnut Eating Contest Ends in Horror
Fried, Glazed, Jelly Filled Goodness.

Commemorating the last day before Ash Wednesday and the start of the Christian celebration of Lent, Polish Americans gathered in Hamtramck, Michigan for one last doughnut binge before 40 days of Lenten self sacrifice. The scheduled jelly doughnut eating contest in Hamtramck's town square, ended badly for both participants and spectators alike.

Introduced by the same cultural community, the football shaped, fried and jelly filled doughnuts called "Packzis" (pronounced Punchkis), filled the competition table in advance of the contest. Competitors came from around the US and Canada to compete, and had their choice of Raspberry or Custard filled Packzi's to choose from. 10 minutes into the competition, all of the 15 contestants who were seated at an elevated table, engaged in projectile vomiting, launching the jelly six or seven bodies deep into the horrified crowd.

Emergency medical teams were on hand to treat the contestants, while local shop owners donated as much paper towel as was available to help victims wipe themselves clean. "It was pretty awful", says Medical Technician Randy Thigpen. "As soon as audience members smelled the vomit, they tended to vomit themselves. This went on for 5 minutes or so before we could start treating them."

Police were also called to the scene once foul play was suspected. Former doughnut shop employee, Stosh Rublinski, is being questioned for his role in the incident, after 20 empty bottles of Ipecac were found in the back of his car. Local Fire Department pumper truck #23 was called to the scene to hose down the streets following the jelly disaster.

In a related story, Hamtramck city center has been closed down due to dangerous icy road conditions.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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