US Mint Offers Service Industry State Quarter Collection. "A Salute to Low Pay, Long Hours, Crappy Benefits, and Non Transferable Skills."

Funny story written by Fuzzy Duffy

Saturday, 16 January 2010

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If You're Lucky, This is Your Raise!

Philadelphia, PA: Officials from the United States Mint announced today the inception of a new commemorative quarter program based on the popular "50 States Quarter Collection."

The program, already expanded to include all United States' sovereign territories, the Presidents on the popular $1 gold toned coin, and National Parks, will now include a series of special commemorative reverses honoring the service industry careers that form the backbone of America's 21st Century economy.

"All Mint commemorative programs are intended to be a celebration of America's past, present, and future," said a high ranking Mint Official. "What better way to celebrate the diversity of the American workforce than a commemorative program honoring the industry. dedication, and ingenuity that makes our people the most productive in the world? It is a salute to the common man, the regular people who go out, day after day, to work hard to give their families their part of the American dream. But, even more than that, it is a salute to the low pay, long hours, crappy benefits, and non transferable skills that make the profits of America's multinational corporations the envy of the world."

The program, beginning in 2011, will feature four new designs featured on the reverse of the Washington Quarter. The reverses, released in sequential order, will each honor an individual aspect of service industry careers.

The first reverse, titled "Working for the Dream," will detail two working adults, one operating a cash register with a long line of customers waiting to purchase products, the other standing in a long line waiting to receive an allotment of government subsidized cheese.

"This design highlights good old fashioned Yankee ingenuity at its best," said the Mint Official. "For the first time in our history, two adults working full time jobs can no longer afford to feed their families. Despite the long hours and demands of raising a family, these adults still find the time to navigate the bureaucratic morass that constitutes the American social welfare safety net. Where there is a will there's a way! God bless us all."

The second, "For the Love of Work," will detail a service industry employee working through their breaks and past their scheduled shifts while off the clock.

"Forcing people to skip breaks and lunches and working off the clock has been a traditional part of the service industry for decades," said an artist tasked with designing the quarter. "However, in the past ten years, this practice has come out of the closet and become an indispensable part of most service industry business plans. Many corporate executives specialize specifically in creating unrealistic expectations and stressful environments where employees are willing to do almost anything just to keep their jobs.

"Today, almost every service industry employee knows that can be replaced by an illegal immigrant in a day. So, how do they respond? By working for free. Find an illegal immigrant willing to do that? I don't think so. Dedication like this will keep Americans a vibrant part of the service industry work force for years to come, or at least until they are replaced by robots."

The third, "Our Fellow Citizen," commemorates the personal interactions between customers and employees that constitutes over 90% of most service industry jobs. On this reverse, a dedicated service industry employee stands, talking on her cell phone and playing with her hair while dozens of customers wait for service. While other employees flee in terror from an armed gunman seeking revenge as a result of a soured personal relationship.

"Tomorrow's criminals are today's valued customers," said one retail industry analyst. "You know, next year someone is going to go nuts and shoot up a fast food restaurant for some reason.

" However, until either the law, nature, or a band of vigilantes takes this person out of the active gene pool, he will have complete and total unfettered access to all service industry employees.

"This is the kind of thing that makes retail fun; you never know when someone is just going to go off and kill you."

The analyst defended the poor service standards honored in the quarter, as well.

"You know, it's easy to criticize the slow, lazy service common just about everywhere today. But, let me ask you this... Are you willing to pay for better? Customers want the lowest prices at all times, no matter what. So, employees who are either too stupid to be waitresses or ugly to be strippers is what you get."

The fourth, "The Golden Years," will celebrate the future of the service industry as workers, upon turning 50, will be summarily forced out of their jobs. This quarter's design will show male and female former employees standing outside their former place of employment in tattered clothing while sharing a can of "Alpo" with a spork.

Inside, a new twenty-something employee will be doing their former job poorly while making one third the wages. US Mint insiders admit this design is "most optimistic in nature."

"Current economic trends indicate that most of the service industry will collapse in a few years. However, if America's corporations can be aggressive in rooting out their dedicated, highly skilled workers in a timely fashion, the industry should have significant upside potential for decades to come."

The insider also admitted that showing former service industry employees eating solid food was a "bit unrealistic, as well."

"Due to the low quality of service industry health care plans," the insider explained. "Most 50 year old employees won't have teeth."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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