OJ Finds Real Killer

Funny story written by Rebut

Sunday, 19 September 2004

image for OJ Finds Real Killer
Let's hope my civil jury isn't like OJ's was...

On the 12th June 1994 Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were stabbed to death. Their bodies were found in the courtyard of Nicole's Condo in Brentwood. On October the 3rd 1995 a jury finds Orenthal James Simpson not guilty on both counts of murder in the criminal trial.

In the civil trial OJ testifies before a jury for the first time. He cannot explain away any of the vast amount of forensic evidence against him. This jury clearly does not agree with the criminal one and on the 4th of February 1997, finds him liable and awards $8.5m compensation to the plaintiffs.

Whether you agree with the criminal jury or civil one is academic. The fact of the matter is that since then OJ Simpson has been unable to find work, has become the subject matter of cruel jokes and has found it difficult to appear in public.

People forget that prosecutors Marcia Clarke and Christopher Darden could have applied for the death penalty but decided against it at the start of the trial.Accordingly the trauma experienced by OJ was severe in the extreme.

In addition there was all that humiliating evidence, what with the car chase, DNA, gloves and many many other incriminating items. Of course that was nothing when compared to being the accused in a trial presided over by Judge Lance A Ito. Nature abhors a vacuum so when it found one between his ears.........

Clearly OJ Simpson, having protested his innocence all the way through and having promised never to rest until he produced the real killer, could never relax until he turned a warm body over to the police.

Obviously there were a number of small problems he needed to overcome. In his statement to the police he admitted to a number of violent incidents with Nicole. In addition why would anyone else want to kill her? The forensic evidence albeit vague, was almost enough to plot Earth's development over 220 million years and all pointed at him. Other than that it was plain sailing.

Question : Where do you find a person who left no forensic evidence but hated Nicole enough to kill her, while leaving enough evidence linking OJ to the crime to sink a battleship?

The trick to finding the answer lay in avoiding the question for a number of years, letting things settle and then coming up with a candidate. That way no new evidence would come up and dirty the water. The existing evidence, now well known, would constitute all that the state could use in their case.

The key issue would revolve around credibility. Who would be considered so incredible right now that in comparisson even OJ Simpson would seem like an honest broker?

Dan Rather was charged by the police at 11h30 this morning. Family and friends say they are holding out very little hope for an acquital.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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