The World's Largest Gosh Darn Pumpkin Weighs In At 1,725 Pounds!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

image for The World's Largest Gosh Darn Pumpkin Weighs In At 1,725 Pounds!
This is the field where Christine Harpsichord grew her award-winning 1,275 pound pumpkin.

PEANUTSVILLE, Ohio - Christine Harpsichord has just had her humongous pumpkin awarded the title of The World's Largest Gosh Darn Pumpkin.

Miss Harpsichord, an unemployed unemployment office clerk, said that it took her four months to grow the son-of-a-gun.

She said that she watered it with about three gallons of water a day. She also fed it Miracle Gro, Amazing Gro, Wonderment Gro, and Phenomenal Gro.

Harpsichord who just turned 26, last week said that she got the seeds from a homeless door-to-door pumpkin seed seller.

She added that her great grandmother Bettina Speakerfield, who is 98, has been growing pumpkins for 75 years. Great Granny Bett was shocked when she saw her granddaughter drive up to her house with the 1,275 pound pumpkin loaded on a U-Haul trailer.

Christina, as her grandmother calls her, said that this is only the second year that she has entered the contest. She blushed and stated that last year her pumpkin entry only weighed in at 3.4 pounds.

She still managed to place 28th in that contest. She added proudly that her pumpkin did manage to win the category award for Most Photogenic Pumpkin.

As this year's winner, Miss Harpsichord will receive a cash prize of $2,500, plus $400 in Halloween candy, the latest CD from The Smashing Pumpkins, and a free visit to the back specialist of her choice.

She has already had requests for pumpkin seeds from the award-winning pumpkin. Christine said that the seeds from "Pumpky" as she calls her gigantic *ss pumpkin are the size of mature avocados.

A friend of Miss Harpsichord's who did not want her name revealed said that Christine has already received calls from country singer Wynonna Judd, actress Kirstie Alley, and actor John Goodman wanting to buy the 1,725 pound pumpkin.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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