WASHINGTON, DC - Bowing to political pressure (and to the fact that the Republican Party doesn't have one chance in one-million of electing anybody in this, or any coming century), Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican National Committee revealed Thursday that the new name of the Grand Old Party is to be the Asshooligans Party.
"We're behind the eight-ball here, folks," said Steele before at least one reporter from a shopping weekly. "In order to garner new voters from the youth out there, we've chosen a name they are certain to identify with, and to join in droves."
Voters have become disinterested in the GOP, and have fled the conservative party by the thousands, according to voter registration rolls in all fifty states. Following the overwhelming defeats of Republican incumbents in both houses of congress, in gubernatorial races, and of course the defeat of Arizona Republican Presidential candidate John McCain, the GOP seems to have lost its vision.
"Those damned Christian-right asswipes piss off everybody, including me," said Steele. "Most of those Pentecostal men are misogynists, closet homosexuals, or pederasts-and they're damned sure racist bastards to boot. The women are uptight, tight assed bitches better suited to riding brooms than raising decent American children. And Sarah Palin, screw her too! Let them all form a political party of their own, or shit, just give them Utah, there's plenty of empty space out there; just like the empty space between their ears," the Chairman ranted, before taking a deep breath and wiping sweat off his forehead.
Steele was asked how the new name for the party evolved. "We were looking for something really catchy, something so blatantly offensive, and patently mind-blowing that it would cause young people to join, and right-wing assholes to flee," he said.
"Asshooligans, that's the ticket!"
