Martha Stewart Packing Her Bags

Funny story written by Morgan Truce

Monday, 12 July 2004

image for Martha Stewart Packing Her Bags
"I hope those moving men don't break anything!"

Friends of Martha Stewart say that she is packing her bags for her upcoming vacation at a yet undisclosed Federal Correction Facility. Next-door neighbor Beatrice Busybody says, "Yesterday I saw a big UPS van delivering nine great big new steamer trunks to Martha's house. I counted them. Nine! A little while later, Martha called me on the phone and asked if I'd give her a hand. I know all the trouble she's been in lately so I told her that I'd be right over."

"When I walked into her living room, said Ms. Busybody, "I saw at least 14 moving men from three different companies all busy packing her things into boxes and trunks."

"Martha was busy as usual---barking detailed orders at everyone and being generally obnoxious. She had at least three of those big husky moving men in tears. It seems the men made the mistake of putting several sets of dinner napkins in with her collection of shoes!"

"How were we supposed to know?" cried a one of the big moving men. "I've been trying to get all of Ms. Stewart's things packed up for her trip to the slammer, and she's just been carrying on and making life miserable for everyone here. I'm about ready to tell her to ‘shove it'!"

In Martha's kitchen, the cabinets were just about bare now. All the dishes, pots and pans, and sterling silver tableware (even the two formal sets) had already been packed in crates and were on one of the big moving vans at the curb.

"I guess Martha is going to have to order take-out food for the next few days until her vacation begins," said one of her 325 assistants. "I asked Ms. Stewart about whether or not we would still have a job while she was vacationing at the Federal Correctional Facility. Martha said that she would be taking all of us along with her! I really need the job, so I was glad to hear that! It will be a little cozy in our new headquarters, but, hey: a paycheck is still a paycheck! Some of the people who work for Martha complain about the way they're treated, but I say that if you work for someone, you ought to be willing to put up with all the verbal and physical abuse that comes with the job."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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