DALLAS - The Dallas Cowboys Director of Public Relations Tricia Joy Schwartzkoff has said that Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader fans can now go on line and purchase their copy of the brand new 2009 Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders' Calendar at www.dallascheerleaderogle.tit.
Ms. Schwartzkoff stated that this year's calendars will be selling for $97. She said that she is aware of the sharp rise in price from last year's calendars, but she added that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wants to try and pay off the new stadium's whopping $1 billion price tag by Christmas.
He reportedly told a reporter for The Dallas Dispatch Divulger that if he pays off the stadium by December 25, 2009, he will throw a big Texas style barbecue fandango at his 19,000 acre El Rancho Grande Cowboy Ranch.
Jones said that all of the Cowboy players and their wives and/or girlfriends will be invited as well as all of the Cowboy cheerleaders and their husbands and/or boyfriends.
The Cowboy owner stated that ex-Cowboy Terrell Owens called him up and asked him if he could attend the big barbecue. Jones said that he had to tell T.O. that he was sorry, but that only nice people who don't have a bad attitude and who don't argue with coaches and teammates will be allowed to attend.
He also remarked that he received a text message from Tony Romo's ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson asking him if she could attend and if she could also bring along a date.
Jones fired off a text telling her that if she dared to show her jinxed-butt anywhere near his ranch that he would have his ranch security guards arrest her and lock her up in the Dallas County Jail.
Mr. Jones said that he will be flying in Senor Sendero Cuchillo from Chapultepec, Mexico for his barbecue fandango. Cuchillo is regarded to be the very best fajita barbecuer in the entire Republic of Mexico as well as in the entire state of Texas.
Cuchillo's patented fajita barbecue has won the title of "World's Best Damn-Good Tasting Fajitas" for the past seven years in a row.
He has a highly secret fajita seasoning recipe that was handed down to him from his father Dr. Honcho Cuchillo, an eyelid specialist.
Of course Cuchillo will not reveal the highly secret recipe but he said that the ingredients include cilantro, comino, habanero peppers, onion powder, Aberdeen Angus tongue juice, imported Egyptian Camel Hump Inners, and the candy shells from 16 yellow M&M's.
Cuchillo has said that Louisana chef, Emil Ligase has begged him for the recipe, but Cuchillo said that he will never reveal it even if they threatened to take out his toenails with a pair of rusty wire nose pliers.
Jones said that the latest edition of the Cowboy Cheerleader Calendar is the best one yet. He proudly remarked that this year's calendar includes two of his granddaughters, Missy Pershing, "Miss April" (36-24-36); and Sissy Sax, "Miss June" (38-24-36).
Also included in the calendar are a niece, Hissy Humboldt, "Miss September" (38-25-36); and the next-ranch neighbor's amazingly stacked daughter, Prudence "Pissy" Tallapoosa, "Miss December" (42-24-38).
The Cowboys owner stated that the calendar kicks off with "Miss January" who is the beautifully-built 21-year-old Brenda Dreyfuss, aka "Muffin Girl."
Jones stressed that Brenda is called "Muffin Girl" because she owns a Muffin Shop in Arlington called Brenda's Mouthwatering Muffin Shop (open 24 hours a day!).
SIDENOTE: The Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders are expressly forbidden from dating any Cowboy players. When Jones was asked about the rumor that his star player, quarterback Tony Romo was rumored to be dating the deliciously luscious and lusciously delicious Brenda "Muffin Girl" Dreyfuss, Jones replied, "All I'm gonna say about that piece-of-injun shit rumor is that it was no doubt perpetrated by our all-time rivals the frackin', frickin, and frucked up Washington damn Redskins!"