Manny Ramirez Is Ready To Play Ball!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

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A practice baseball field that Manny Ramirez had built in his backyard back home in the Dominican Republic.

LOS ANGELES - ESPN VII is reporting that suspended Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Manny Ramirez is ready to return to baseball.

El Manny is just about finished serving his 50 game suspension. And at a cost of $7.7 million, it has to rank as being the costliest suspension in the history of suspensions.

The second costliest suspension on record occurred in 2004, when Fox News political talk show host Sean Hannity was suspended for 21 days for using the "D" word in a disparagingly denigrating manner. That suspension cost Hannity $10,542.

Ramirez told Masatashi Nagachiro of The Tokyo Times Tribune that he can hardly wait to get back to baseball and start playing with bats and balls again, so to speak.

Manny said that he has also missed the smell of popcorn, hot dogs, Chicken Cordon Bleu, nachos, Tecate Beer, cotton candy, and batting helmets.

The Dodger superstar did say that he was able to get through the suspension by looking at the bright side. He then remarked that it allowed him time to learn how to play golf. He was able to learn how to properly use the TV remote control. And best of all he was able to learn how to speak English.

Ramirez smiled and said, "Now, me can speek almost a little bit better English than Sammy Sosa does speak it."

When he was asked by CNN's Wolf Blitzer if he had any plans of cutting off his ridiculously long dreadlocks, Ramirez turned serious and replied, "Does peoples expect those ZZ Top vatos (guys) to cuts off their beards? Nopers.

Does peoples expect Heidi Klum's husband to bleach his face? Nopers.

And does persons and even some peoples expect Ann Coulter to suddenly grow some chi-chi's (boobs)? Hell nopers!"

Blitzer laughed and he told Manny that he sure had a way of turning things around.

"Oh, yeah." Ramirez remarked. "Well how abouts I turn jur gray silly-looking bread inside out and spray Pam or WD40 on the stupid sucker, hunkie?"

"Well first of all Mr. Ramirez, the word is honkie, not hunkie, although, I guess if you were a female, I wouldn't mind the connotation."

"Oh yeah. Now you is calling me a girl. Well guess what redthroat, I got jur consolation right here."

"Okay, pay attention here Paquito. The words are redneck and connotation."

"Hey you que que que, let's take it outside."

"Wow, I'm afraid you got me on that one. What the heck is que que que?"

"It's you know...like those hunkie crackers that walks around with those trick or treat hoods and robes hiding cause they are scared that the blacks will turn them into human pinatas."

"Hey Blitzen. You ain't one of those que que que guys is you."

"No Panchito I'm not. And the word, or rather the letters are KKK. And my name isn't Blitzen, it's Blitzer."

"Okay, I get it, Blizzard like the Dairy Queen treat."

"Goodnight Chiquito. I'm tired. I've got to go find me a damn beer somewhere."

"Yeah. Take care Blister."

In national weather news. The Monongahela River is so polluted that it caught fire yesterday. Pennsylvania firefighters are trying to contain to blaze so that it does not spread over onto the Ohio River.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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