Chris Brown Pleads Guilty, Headed To The Big House

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

image for Chris Brown Pleads Guilty, Headed To The Big House
A closeup of Chris Brown as he left The Los Angeles County Courthouse (photo courtesy of Celine Dion).

LOS ANGELES - Singer Chris Brown, ex-boyfriend of Rihanna has pleaded guilty to assaulting the Barbados-born singer and inflicting injury to her lips, nose, forehead, ego, eyelashes, vocal chords, and personality.

Brown has maintained that he did not cause the injuries to the woman that he loved even more than singing, dancing, and Ripple Wine.

The hip hop singer who celebrated his 20th birthday this past Cinco de Mayo says that his deliciously sexy woman merely tripped on her $2,000 imported Italian six-inch stiletto heels, which he had bought her for Juneteeth of last year.

At first Rihanna said that she had tripped as Chris said, but then when he pisssed her off by telling Anderson Cooper that Rihanna wasn't all that, she changed her story.

She did get caught in her lie because she said that Chris hit her repeatedly with a broom.

When she told her story to the LAPD the broom became a mop.

And when she told her story to Mary Hart of Entertainment tonight the mop became a vacuum cleaner.

At any rate, Chris has been sentenced to 60 years probation. He will have to seek therapy and do 40,000 hours of community service.

The judge said that this weekend he will be required to go to Dodger Stadium and pick up peanut shells, beer cups, jalapeno seeds, and discarded lipsticks.

Rihanna was asked if she would ever give Chris another chance and get back with him. She laughed and said that she would kiss Andy Dick on his ugly-as-hell cracker-ass lips first than to ever return to CB.

When Chris was told of Rihanna's remarks he responded by saying "Hey bro, that be just damn friggin' fine. Hell, the moody bee-otch is much too depressing for me anyway.

And besides, the island ho can't sing, she can't dance, and the only thing she can cook is tuna fish.

Nope, I does not needs the aggravation, frustration, exasperation, agitation, consternation, and constipation."

Chris said that he was tired of all this drummed up hoopla. He said he was going to go back to his $3.8 million Beverly Hills home that he calls "The Big House."

Brown shook his head and said, "Man, I needs to get me a beer or six." He then sped off in his 2009 Lamborghini.

In news coming out of China. Chopstick Pictures has just signed Jackie Chan to star in the Great Wall of China epic motion picture, The Chinese Fire Drill.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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