WASHINGTON, D.C. - Republican Senator John Ensign, 51, of Nevada has resigned his senate leadership post due to an extra-marital affair with a 26-year-old girl scout leader.
The senator nicknamed Yanni since he kind of resembles the musical composer said that at first it was just a simple little innocent after hours tryst at one of the local McDonalds. He said that they would sit in the playground section of the restaurant and play footsie.
He revealed that later they graduated to going to Subway where they would make out between bites of their ham and cheese on rye sandwiches. And soon after that the relationship really got out of hand as they found themselves eating at Marie Callenders.
Ensign said that it was ironic that his girlfriend, Cindy Havershamski had actually gone to high school with Monica Lewinsky.
He remarked that Monica had actually told her to be sure and get herself some good strong kneepads and to be sure and tell whichever politician she was with at the time that he was the best lover not only in Washington, D.C. but in all of New England as well.
She also told her about sexual aids such as cigars, carrots, pizzas, bananas, and pentel pens.
Ensign said that he is sorry for putting the nation through such an ordeal and that he has made plans to dump Havershamski's caboose right after their next date.
He added that on a scale of 1 to 10 in the French kissing department she was a lowly 2. He said that something was wrong with her tongue because it would vibrate like a Hamilton Beach blender.
The senator said that Cindy literally forced herself on him and that on many occasions he told her to put her clothes back on but that she would say no, start to cry, and threaten to call 911. He said he felt sorry for her because she was always saying that no one liked her because she resembled a chubby Lindsay Lohan.
That last statment is an interesting one because her high school voted her "Girl Most Likely To Get Pregnant The Night of The Prom."
Neither Mrs. Havershamski nor her husband Daxen Havershamski could be reached for a comment.
The senator has promised that his extra-marital affair is over and that he promises to never have another one as long as he is in office.
He expressed remorse that on top of everything Cindy Havershamski was a Democrat. Sean Hannity perhaps said it best when he said, "Hell at least Ensign could have picked a fellow GOPer for goodness sakes."
Ensign said that Mrs. Havershamski can keep the mink coat, the Rolex watch, the apartment in Friendship Heights, the $45,000 cash, and the Lexus. He did say that he would like for her to return the shetland pony.
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