Creative Writing Staff Fired at University of Iowa; Realtors To Teach

Funny story written by Ilona Ronay

Friday, 25 June 2004

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Realtors Not Happy About Assigned Faculty Housing

Iowa City, IA--The University of Iowa today fired all faculty members in its prestigious creative writing program and replaced them with realtors who had $4 million or more of residential sales during the preceding year.

"We finally realized that realtors, not English majors, are the people with the most fertile imaginations and the most exciting writing skills," said a university spokesperson. "They don't obsess for years over crafting the perfect sentence. They come into the office and multi-task. They don't require quiet. They don't require pencils. They don't complain about the quality of the coffee."

"This program has placed too much emphasis on proper use of language and not enough emphasis on having a vivid imagination, and our graduates weren't getting published in The New Yorker, " added the provost. "Look how many times realtors appear in that magazine! There's sometimes even a picture of Barbara Corcoran!"

"We will be doing two realtor-based interpretations of The Turn of the Screw," commented one realtor. "In one, the buyer outwits the seller. In the other, the seller outwits the buyer. In both, the realtor screws everyone."

"I'm, like, really jazzed about teaching students how to write like me," said another realtor.

A creative flair for language will be stressed. Realism and naturalism are out. Fantasy is in. Abbreviations are not only accepted but considered desirable.

"We encourage short sentences," said another realtor. "None of this Jamesian stuff where a paragraph can go on for 20 sentences. Life's too fast-paced now for that kind of stuff."

Other books that will be discussed include Open House , Little House on the Prairie , Do The Windows Open, Homeward Bound, The House of Seven Gables, and A Room With a View.

Students were cautiously optimistic about the proposed change. "Look," said one, "if these new professors can give me some tips on getting more stories published, I'm all for it. If not, maybe they can help me find a better place to live or show me how to get my realtor's license."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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