New York City, NY-- Larry the Cable Guy was escorted out of Caroline's Comedy Club in handcuffs by police officers last Thursday night after "performing" in front of a sell-out crowd. He is currently being charged with impersonating a comedian.
Chief of Police Robert Walsh released a statement to the press outside of the 43rd precinct last night. "Larry is in our custody until he has posted the $30,000 bail set forth by the judge. If he performed his 'act' somewhere below the Mason/Dixon Line, Larry would never have been charged. But this is New York City, and you just can't pull that terrible, flaccid, redneck bullshit with a more sophisticated crowd. It's ignorant, and it's illegal. It's the equivalent of me getting paid to protect the city from crime, only instead I shove my nightstick up my ass."
Audience members are pleased with the action taken by police. Said Tom Baxter, who sat in the third row, "When I saw this douche come on stage with those torn off flannel sleeves, I knew it was going to be a long night."
Baxter's wife Madelyn, concurred. "He [Larry] had this terrible fake southern accent, and he started making 'jokes' about tractor pulls or something. We couldn't even 'boo' him, it was that bad. Thank God the police showed up when they did."
The sentencing for Larry could be up to 30 days in jail as well as mandatory enrollment in the 12-step program, "Com-Anon," where he will be exposed to at least 40 hours of audio and video recordings of real comedy acts, such as: George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, and the like.
Larry could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer, Dwayne Farrington issued a statement to reporters. "Larry is deeply sorry for all of the bad jokes he had made and for all of the awkwardness and frustration they caused. He understands that people paid to see a comedy show, and Larry admits that he failed the task of providing even adequate entertainment."
Farrington went on to say that even though the charges cannot be dropped, he is pleading with the court to lessen Larry's sentence down to only 30 hours of comedic exposure, including an exclusion of all things Carlin. "George Carlin, I believe, is much too cerebral for my client, and being forced to watch the legendary comedian may result in mental anguish for Larry."