Confucius: The Return of The Original Chinese Punster

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 3 December 2008


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Chinese Minnow Soup, which Confucius said was his all-time favorite Chinese dish

BRISBANE, Australia - Noted Australian author and koala bear breeder, Panpandie Birdwood-Boongala has just written a follow-up book to her best seller, 'Hardly Known and Pretty Much Almost Forgotten Sayings By The Chinese Master Known As Confucius.'

Birdwood-Boongala's latest book is entitled, 'The Somewhat Stable But Oft Times Confusing Analectic World of Confucius.'

In this book the author reveals that she traveled far and wide from the sands of the Kalahari to the Sands of Las Vegas (or at least where the Sands Hotel used to be).

She went on an extensive and expensive four corners of the Earth search for documents showing sayings and analects by the grand master of sayings.

Some of the recently discovered sayings by Confucius included in Panpandie Birdwood-Boongala's book are:

1. In the romance department, do not move on to third base until your hands are close to cramping from the arduous caressing of your lady friend's supple, sensuous, and ample breasts.

2. Always cover mouth before sneezing especially when in the middle of a long passionate French kiss.

3. Never tell a woman holding a pistol that you've noticed that she has a major cellulite problem.

4. Men, always remember to zip up your pants zipper after peeing or in lieu of that at least walk backwards.

5. Do not forget that you can lead a horse to water, but trying to get him to make out with a chicken just for laughs is going to be quite a trick that will probably require two buckets of oats and 7 or 8 apples.

6. Always be aware of the fact that if you are seeking to get into a woman's bloomers and you choose to enumerate her faults that you will quickly lose a lot of points, and you will most probably end up playing strip poker with yourself.

7. He who laughs at a bowl of rice and utters the phrase, "What, rice again?" will soon not be able to hear himself verbally complain due to the tremendous stomach grumblings emanating from just above his groin region.

8. Remember to tip your night club waitress especailly if she sat on your lap and pretended that she was an elevator.

Most historians say that Confucius was born in Qufu, China on September 28, 551 BC. But there are some including Sandra Ling-Proctorpool, of Kingston, Jamaica, who insist that he was born in San Francisco on September 29, 552 BC.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I personally went into the Internet and I was able to find a copy of Confucius' actual birth certificate. He was in fact born in Qufu's Our Lady of The Chopsticks Hospital. And his birthdate is clearly listed as 09-28-551 BC. His mother's name is Constance Chang and his father's name is Constantine Ching.

The delivery room doctor was listed as Dr. Zing "Chinese Pepper" Wink Wink. Dr. Pepper, (as his mother called him) listed baby Conficius as weighing 5 lbs. 3 ounces.)

One interesting fact that Birdwood-Boongala was able to uncover was that for several years Confucius worked as a master shepherd. And in fact, it was Confucius who is credited in Ripley's Colossal Book of Credits with being the very first shepherd in history to ever utter the words, "Hey, guys, there's a bad ass thunderstorm coming our way. So let's get the 'flock' outta here!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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