Latest Bush Tell-All: Animal Sacrifice. News Media Yawns.

Written by John Andreini

Thursday, 29 May 2008


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Washington D.C. - Following hot on the heels of former Bush press secretary Scott McClellan's book, "What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception," a new memoir has surfaced written by General X, detailing startling revelations about the workings of the Bush administration.

Excerpts from the book detail bizarre secret ceremonies that included animal sacrifices, sexual orgies, and a fight club held regularly in the sub-basement of the White House. The author claims to have been in attendance at several of the quasi-religious functions. "The large room was lit by candles and incense permeated the air. A man (I believe it was Rumsfeld) wearing only a Richard Nixon mask and white shoes stood behind an altar holding a large knife. A live goat was brought in and held on the altar while the man with the knife read poems by Ezra Pound and sang selected passages from Project for the New American Century. Then the goat was slaughtered and the still beating heart passed around. The ceremony ended with attendees swearing their allegiance to Zircon, Horned Underlord of the Neocons, and then we all drank scotch."

General X also describes late-night sexual orgies held in "theme" rooms in the White House. "The one I participated in was Mother Goose, and everyone wore costumes of nursery rhyme characters. The president was Little Bo Peep, and Rove, as I recall, was Humpty Dumpty. Actual sheep were brought in, and I leave the rest to your imagination."

Despite the incendiary revelations by General X, the news media is largely ignoring his allegations. "This is old stuff," said one network anchor. "We've heard all these charges before, and frankly, who cares?" A reporter from ABC News echoed this sentiment. "What's the story here? Animal sacrifice? Sex orgies? Boooring." A long-time news editor from NPR summed it up this way. "It's a non-starter. People expect this kind of thing from Washington."

The book will be published by Rupert Murdoch's HarperCollins, and working titles leaked to the press include, "Karl Rove Gives Good Head," "Caligula II" and "My Pet Goat Goes to Washington."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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