Heaven-Almighty God announced today in a much anticipated press conference his intention to recall what he described as "His worst mistake since Lucifer," the testicles of half the world's population.
Citing numerous performance flaws, unreliability in the clutch and extremely sensitive nature, God apologized for the recall coming so late, but assured the men of the world that it's really nothing to worry about.
"Don't worry," said God, addressing his creations. "I know the thought of losing them really freaks you out, but you'll still think the same, and I guarantee that you won't start acting like a woman or have your voice go up two octaves…and you won't get that mind-blowing pain if you happen to cross your legs the wrong way or get kicked by an unhappy female. Trust me; this will all work out for you in the end. Right now I'm hammering out the details, but I'll probably end up just giving you some new, improved and much less sensitive testicles, so please don't sweat this, and I thank you for your patience."
Most men are a bit worried about losing the ‘family jewels,' but a great many among them clearly see God's point, and more than a few are wondering just why the recall took so long to announce.
"I knew it!" declared an indignant 78 year-old Herbert Stevenson, resident of Fairfield, Kansas. "For seventy-eight years I've had to endure the pain and inconvenience of having these things, and all the while I couldn't help but think to myself, ‘are these really necessary?' I mean, I'm sure God had the best intentions, but somewhere along the line things got screwed up. Do you know how many stupid things these blasted testicles have caused me to do in my lifetime? It's a wonder I'm still here."
The news of the recall has caused a violent uproar of record-setting proportions among women, protesting for the recall of the menstrual cycle.
God responded with a quick laugh. "Hey," He said, "who bit the apple first?"