A B-2 stealth bomber crashed in Guam on Friday as part of a United States Air Force project to determine just how undetectable the plane is.
Generals slapped each other on the back after initial reports of the downed aircraft confirmed that Guam natives did not see the plane fall from the sky, hear it crash, feel the ground shake upon impact or find debris. But the mood at command central darkened abruptly when the natives reported black smoke billowing in the sky.
"Invisible smoke," said one high-ranking officer adept at speaking without moving his lips and throwing his voice. "We've got to work on that. Get David Blaine on the hotline."
The Air Force said both B-2 pilots ejected safely from the aircraft, however, that was difficult to prove independently since they, too, landed quietly and apparently disappeared. Rescue teams, however, reportedly heard snickering from thick underbrush after an official used a bullhorn to recall workers and terminate the search.
As the U.S. Defense Department prepared to announce the news at a press conference, the press release itself vanished as did the spokesperson designated to inform the media, even though he claimed to be standing in full sight.
Several stealth bombers are old, becoming obsolete and will be phased out, one insider said. The government plans to sell them at silent auction.
Meanwhile, news apparently surfacing from the stealth industry seems to indicate -- although it couldn't be pinned down -- that technology has been pirated for use in other areas. That's one theory on Hillary Clinton's rapid disappearance from the Democratic presidential nomination race.
However, not all stealth materials are up to specs as attempts to cover Kirstie Alley's fat ass have been dreadfully unsuccessful. One industry mole said the super-calibrated thermoplatics and composites required for such a task have baffled the best and the brightest.
"And even if we do make a breakthrough, there's no technology currently available to disguise her BO," he said.
Elsewhere, the U.S. Treasury is expected to announce that all future income tax refunds will be paid in stealth dollars so taxpayers shouldn't waste time looking for them, but just "trust that the money is there somewhere."
