Leading TheoCon nutter Jerry Falwell is dead

Funny story written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 15 May 2007

image for Leading TheoCon nutter Jerry Falwell is dead
Mine eyes have sen the glory of the coming of the Lord!

Virginia - (Ass Mess): Leading TheoCon nutter Reverend Jerry Falwell died today aged 73 amid repeated warnings that the Lord would smite him down for his lifetime's dedication to reviling feminists, gays and lesbians, pagans, libertarians and anybody who disagreed with him or called out his protegee George Bush as a psychopathic hired killer hellbent on destroying the US Constituiton.

Falwell devoted his life to hiding behind a smokescreen he called the Moral Majority while peddling superstitious afterlife hogwash via televised evangelism that lined his pockets and gained him access to US organised crime cartels run by the Bush family evil empire.

It took years for him to admit his own family background was rooted in gangster culture of the Depression.

His father, Carey Falwell, a Lynchburg mobster and career alcoholic who shot and killed his brother Garland during a drunken brawl in 1931, was involved in illegal liquor distillation and distribution during the Prohibition.

Falwell grew up determined to revinvent himself as something better than the slimebag family he was rooted from and took to the world oldest profession of whoring for patriarchy like a duck to water.

But his business dealings were tainted with corruption and disaster and he never quite recovered his poise after the bad publicity surrounding financial scandals such as those involving God-squad fraudsters Jim and Tammy Bakker.

Each time the headlines proclaimed him a crook he turned up the volume on his hatred of those whose lifestyles he couldn't control: pagans, feminists, gays and lesbians, pro-choice professionals and libertarians such as members of the ACLU.

When the pressure of the magnifying glass on his own corruption became too great Falwell took a swipe at his own self-hate by blaming 9/11 on those who knew him to be a liar on fellow-TheoCon nutter Pat Robertson's TV show the 700 Club:

"I really believe that the pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way - all of them who tried to secularize America - they are the ones behind the 9/11 atrocity."

His tirade was described by the CIA and by NATO military intelligence as the desperate rant of a serial denier who sought sanctuary with the Bushes for a lifetime of accrued corruption chagrges that the Securities And Exchange Commission had collected aganist him.

Falwell's NATO military intelligence file remains classified for the duration of George Herbert Bush's lifetime after which it is guaranteed to open a can of worms so insidious that it will make Alaska's Corrupt Bastards Club seem like a kindergarten play group by comparison.

Reverend Pat Robertson is 73.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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