Political and community leaders in the United States were incredibly worried going into New Years Eve of 2003, since the nation's supply of "designated drivers" was at an all time low. Only three people were willing to do it, and they had such a long night that they are now hospitalized, one in critical condition, all suffering from exhaustion.
Phil Nordman, of Atlanta Georgia, was one of those drivers.
Speaking from his hospital bed and still wincing in pain, he said, "It started out okay. I volunteered to do this because I don't drink, and needed the money. When I heard there was a shortage of drivers, anybody who knows anything about economics knows that if there's a shortage, the price goes up. I made a small fortune last night, but I have paid an incredible price, and still have a party hat and noisemaker lodged in my rectum after an unfortunate incident involving a carload of rowdy drunks I was taking home to Barstow."
Another designated driver, Anna Watkinson, of Scranton Pennsylvania, had a different take. "I made no money at all. I was robbed over and over again. There's vomit in my car, my hair, on the windshield. I got so exhausted, I started just dropping the drunks off at my house, and now there are 60 or 70 guys who won't leave until the Sugar Bowl is over, and they keep begging me to "flash" them. Of course, after the Sugar Bowl, the losers will still be drunk, so I'll have to drive them home then, too. Being sober sucks!"
America's third and final designated driver, Burt Burton, is in critical condition at "Our Lady of the Tea-totaler" in Wichita Falls, Kansas. Mr. Burton is unable to speak, due to an accidental inhalation of a few of the hundreds of crushed cans of Bud Light piled in his car, in which he was nearly buried alive.
"These three designated drivers should be awarded the Purple Heart," according to a spokesman for the Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. "Who knows how many lives they saved. They each worked tirelessly, in some cases, for 72 hours without sleep, driving babbling blootered idiots all over God's green earth, with complete disregard for their own well-being."
Mr. Nordman, Ms. Watkinson, and Mr. Burton, we salute you for being the only three sober people in the United States on New Years Eve. Your sacrifices will not be forgotten. Actually, they probably will be.
