Rejection Leads to Injury and Eventually Death for Unfortunate Young Man

Written by Wesley Janson

Wednesday, 23 January 2019

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East Coast. Jerry Sauers, 25, died horribly last week on Friday just a few days after being rejected by a young woman that he was sincerely attracted to. Jerry, a graduate student who was working on a Master's Degree in Counseling, had asked Kelly Briner, 24, out for a date before things took a turn for the worse.

Because Ms. Briner was also a graduate student working on a Counseling Degree, Jerry felt that the two of them may have had some things in common.

Jerry was walking down the street at 4:30 pm on his way to the grocery store, last Tuesday, when he noticed that Kelly just happened to be walking towards him. Despite his nervousness, he started up a conversation with her, and casually told her that he had been wanting to ask her out for quite some time.

With a beautiful sparkle in her eyes, she gazed at him pleasantly for a few moments, and said "No."

Feeling hurt, lonely, and rejected, Jerry started walking away with his head down. Without realizing that he was no longer on the side-walk, he was hit by a speeding truck being driven by an extremely cute blonde a few moments later. (Apparently, she didn't see Jerry because she was too busy texting on her cell phone.) A young man from her school had just asked her out, and she was texting him the answer "Yes" when she suddenly heard a really loud THUMP on the front end of her truck.

Jerry's body went sailing through the air, and he eventually smashed into the large neon sign of a nearby adult book store, before falling face-first into a big pile of dog shit on the side-walk. Happy, young couples walked by and laughed at him as he lay there twitching and gurgling with broken shards of glass stuck in his back, and dog poop all over his face. Not only did Jerry have poop all over his face, but the trauma he had sustained knocked all of his teeth out. He was basically nothing more than a crippled, bleeding, twitching, gurgling, toothless, emotionally-devastated, poopy mess when the ambulance found him.

After the doctors operated on him that night, Jerry was placed on the 97th floor of an abnormally-tall hospital building, which just happened to be a few feet away from another abnormally-tall hospital building.

On Friday morning at 7:30 am, Jerry's nurse, 48-year-old Amy Greenfield, came in, opened the window, and decided to elevate his bed at an incline so that he could enjoy the beautiful view outside. (Unfortunately, there actually was no view because Jerry's window was right across from the hospital next door.)

Mr. Sauers sat there incoherent and drooling, as he stared at the fading bricks of the other hospital building, when Amy decided to move his bed closer to the window. Because she lacks depth perception, and often makes jerky movements due to her severe alcohol addiction, she ended up pushing the bed too hard and too fast.

Jerry slid off the bed and went right through the window. He bounced back and forth between the two hospital buildings like a ping-pong ball until he finally splattered all over the ground.

His open-casket funeral will be held next Monday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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