Berlin, Germany - Great Britain's exit from the European Union has sent shockwaves throughout Europe, as each nation struggles to come to grips with the monumental development in its own way. The reactions were as varied as the rich cultural tapestry that makes up the geography of the continent.
In Germany, hordes of psychotics donned Nazi armbands and goose-stepped through the streets chanting "zeig hell." They smashed windows, vowing to burn down the Reichstag and then avenge it the next day by declaring a state of emergency and throwing an as yet unnamed minority group in jail.
"We've yet to figure out who to scapegoat," said newly minted German Fascist Angela Merkel.
Italians in most major cities accelerated having sex with anyone other than their spouses and then went on post coital moped rides in the winding roads above the country's picturesque coastlines. Still others showed up at work even later and took their first coffee breaks earlier than usual. Neapolitans, known for never observing stop lights, spent the morning driving backwards.
Meanwhile, the French gathered near famous monuments and broke into blubbering tears waiting for someone to come marching through them. Others sat gloomily outside cafes, pronouncing that even their sitting there had no point. The mood in France was described by a BBC reporter as one of "gloom, despair, and deep loathing of all things American."
In Poland, the reaction was muted. People gathered in kitchens the night of the vote and in preparation for watching the returns made stove top pop corn in the traditional Polish manner, where one person held the pan and four others shook the stove.
"Either way it goes, we know it will be a disaster," said Czlzwxcz Zrbnnzckwcz, a screen door submarine manufacturer for the Polish Cavalry. "I am prepared to suffer, first at the hands of the Russians, then the Germans, then back to the Russians, then the Germans again, then the Russians..."
Meanwhile in Britain, pro-Brexit voters woke to find themselves victorious and celebrated by consuming unGodly quantities of rancid sausages and fried tomatoes which they washed down with copious spots of tea. The mood of the "remain" voters was not so chipper but they still carried on, resolving to make the best of a less than perfect situation. Speaking outside of 10 Downing, Prime Minister David Cameron embodied the British spirit in the face of defeat.
"We bloody well took a good Rogering from the Brexiters last night, and though we didn't want the snogging, still, we took it blooming well and now congratulate them for a jolly good show," Cameron said.
The most knowledgable, high ranking officials in the American government, specifically charged with monitoring European affairs admitted to being only dimly aware that "some kind of thing" was taking place somewhere in Europe but most thought all the hoopla had something to do with Donald Trump going to his golf course in Scotland. Still, unnamed sources told the BBC that when whatever problem there is "over there" spirals truly out of control, America will eventually invade and occupy the continent for at least half a century.
