Written by Moose

Sunday, 8 November 2015

image for Ben Carson Claimed He Masturbated as a Boy, But Can't Prove It
Dr. Ben Carson "takes matters into his own hands"

WASHINGTON, DC - Dr. Ben Carson says he was prone to masturbating during his youth until he had a religious experience in the bathroom of his Detroit home.

But, his former classmates don't remember him "polishing the knob".

Your fearless reporter spoke to two people who attended school with Carson or grew up with him for a look at the Republican presidential candidate's formative years. Those people recalled Carson as "quiet, bookish and nerdy." None said they saw evidence of him "arm-wrestling with his one-eyed snake" that Carson described in his book. All said they were surprised by the incidents of him "buttering the corn" that Carson has recounted over the years.

Anita Mann, a former classmate of Carson's at Southwestern High School, seemed skeptical about "flogging the bishop". "Take my word for it: Everyone at Southwestern would know about it if something like that happened," Mann told me.

Another former classmate, Ivana Dix, told me that years ago she heard chatter about an incident similar to the "shaking hands with Dr. Winky" Carson described but wasn't sure "if it was just a rumor or what."

Carson's campaign declined to provide me with further details about the incidents Carson described and dismissed the premise of the news outlet's story.

"Why would anyone cooperate with your obvious witch hunt?" Carson's business manager, Armstrong Williams, told me in an email Friday. "No comment and moving on...... "Stretch the truth!!!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: ben carson

Related Stories...




Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
26 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more