McDahmer's: The Newest Venture in Sustainable Living

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 21 November 2014

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McDahmer's: We're Loving it!

OAK BROOK, IL - Mickey D's has announced its newest venture in sustainable living--or, as some foodies across the nation are calling it, "sustainable eating."

The venture is called McDahmer's, and is named after the serial killer Jeffery Dahmer, who recycled his victims after killing them by putting them on ice until he felt hungry.

CEO Don Thompson, himself a foodie, explains: "The police nationwide spend millions each year looking for the victims of serial killers in our national parks and rural areas, and often turn up nothing for their efforts. Not only that, but on the rare occasions when these victims are found, they are usually found in such a state of decomposition that they can hardly be recognized.

"We want to take a tragic situation and make it work for the American people and the environment: We want to set up, all over the country, what we will call McDahmer Drop-off Centers, where members of the serial killer community can, anonymously of course, drop off their victims so that we can recycle these victims in a way that benefits both the environment and law enforcement."

One serial killer, who wished, of course, to remain anonymous, said: "I love this idea! Do you have any idea how much gas I waste driving around national parks and out-of-the-way rural roads and fields trying to find a place to dump off my victims? Not only will this save gas, but we are benefiting the environment by recycling one of its most precious resources, people."

Asked about the morality of, potentially, encouraging serial killers by setting up McDahmer Centers all over the nation, Thompson replied: "The members of the serial killer community will receive no compensation for the meat they deliver to us. In short, there is no financial incentive for them to go out and kill for the money. They will be contributing solely out of their love of humanity. And let's face it, these guys are going to kill anyway. Just ask John Walsh and Nancy Grace, who have made a career out of exploiting the families and victims of these crimes. At least we are both putting the families of the deceased at ease and making sure that the victims of these horrible crimes benefit humanity and the environment."

Wendy's, apparently, is also thinking of setting up its own venture in sustainable eating, called, at this point, Shush Puppies.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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