Pope Francis's Beatification of Pope Paul VI Causes Public Outcry

Written by Brandy Pasquino

Monday, 20 October 2014

image for Pope Francis's Beatification of Pope Paul VI Causes Public Outcry
Pope Benedict XVI begging not to be defiled.

Rome.-Pope Francis has just beatified Pope Paul VI, who led the Catholic Church through turbulent times before his death in 1978. Beatification is the one of the most important posthumous honors a Pope can receive, which declares that he is among the blessed and leaves him only one step from sainthood. While this is a historic moment in the Catholic Church's history, there is currently popular discontent with the Vatican.

In a survey given across the globe to understand the public's reaction, it was revealed that there is mass confusion about the meaning of beatification. About 85% of the world's population - which is eerily close to the percentage of the world's non-Catholic population - opine that physical abuse of dead Popes ought to be abolished. Surveyors were surprised to learn that so many of the world's public believes that to beatify means to beat and defile the face of corpses.

We consulted with an expert who noted that beatification comes from two Latin words, "beatus" and "facere", which mean "blessed" and "to make", respectively. "It's not clear how this source of confusion arose. However, it appears that individuals mistakenly associated the root words in a manner that indicates a facial assault trauma", the expert said.

The Vatican has announced that it will begin a major public outreach campaign to reach pre-beatification approval ratings, which will involve free Latin lessons.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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