Postal Service To Feature Celebrities, Some Notorious, On Stamps To Raise Money

Written by Colorado Joe

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

image for Postal Service To Feature Celebrities, Some Notorious, On Stamps To Raise Money

After announcing its default of $5.6 billion on payments for health benefits for retired personnel, the United States Postal Service is in the process of coming up with a variety of ways to raise money to keep the pension fund and the postal service going.

Some of the more ingenious, according to documents received by this writer, include selling stamps with the current pop entertainers such as Beyonce, Pink, Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber. The Postal service has hired employees to read People Magazine, Entertainment Weekly, US Weekly and the National Enquirer to find out who is currently hot on the pop and entertainment charts in order to use those celebrities on postage stamps.

That would also include mugshots of celebrity criminals such as OJ Simpson, Claus von Bulow and Charles Manson. While it may seem macabre, noted Wanda Buck, the chief financial officer for the postal service, it has the potential to raise lots of money for the beleaguered post office.

"We might go further and include notorious politicians such as Richard Nixon and Ted Kennedy," she added. "It's possible that we might raise lots of money just selling stamps to trade-just as people do with baseball cards. We could have celebrity criminals one week, Western outlaws another week, drug smugglers another week, notorious death row inmates another week and sports legends during another week."

One stamp sales idea seems to have the most potential, Buck noted. "We're thinking about featuring centerfolds from such magazines as Playboy® and Penthouse®. That should sell very well with the male buyers-especially with the stamps in three-dimensional holograms. Of course, for the women, we'll hire some Chippendale strippers for a series of stamps.

"Problem solved! We might even go back to having three-times a day mail service seven days a week (including all holidays) if this stamp sale campaign succeeds," she concluded.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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