Disaster relief concerts now nation's most profitable industry

Funny story written by rvler9201

Friday, 3 May 2013

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BOSTON, MA--According to a new study published by the Bureau of Economic Analysis this week, concerts held to benefit victims of tragedies are now the most profitable industry in the U.S. The report comes on the heels of the announcement of the "Boston Strong" concert held to benefit victims of the Marathon Bombing in April.

"While most industries are still feeling the effects of the recession, disaster relief concerts are posting record profit margins and customer satisfaction rankings," the report noted. "In addition, relief concerts have surpassed Times Square as the highest grossing tourist destination in the United States."

The report noted that the star power of music greats like Aerosmith, Bruce Springsteen, Jimmy Buffet, and James Taylor appearing on the same bill was enough to move relief concerts past the real estate and legal defense industries, while the addition of a national tragedy and media circus moved it past oil and gas extraction.The report also presented compelling evidence that the 500 billion dollar increase in G.D.P. from 2009 to 2010 was a direct result of the Hope for Haiti benefit concert to aid victims of that country's earthquake.

"Based on the date we've collected, it is our recommendation that as many natural disasters or random acts of violence befall the country if we are to return the economy back to its pre-recession status," said study head Marshall Reinsdorf at a press conference Friday. "In fact, it is our estimation that, should the country endure ten more tragedies during this fiscal year, the federal government will be able to run a budget surplus in 2014."

"While we are hesitant to make long-term assessments, should the current trends continue, by 2030 approximately 90 percent of the private sector will be employed by a disaster benefit organization, and the country's leading export will be tickets for disaster relief concerts," said Reinsdorf. "It is imperative that the President's policies now encourage chaos in the streets, and, if possible, disastrous weather events, though, we must emphasize, not in Los Angeles or any locale where high-powered musicians are likely to reside."

The report is the second major economic study released by the government this week, after the Bureau of Labor Statistics announced on Wednesday that they were no longer going to bother tracking the economic participation rate of Baby Boomers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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