Schwarzenegger Warns Young Athletes Not to Use Steroids

Written by Evan Essence

Saturday, 15 July 2006

image for Schwarzenegger Warns Young Athletes Not to Use Steroids
Side-effects include jaundice, or yellowing of skin, nausea, and testicular shrinkage

Sacramento, California
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Tuesday, that if he knew then, what we know now, he never would have used steroids, when he was a young weight-lifting champion. Side-effects of anabolic steroid use, include jaundice, or yellowing of skin, nausea, vomiting, and testicular shrinkage, as well as liver damage, purple or red spots on the body, and breast development.

In 1999, Schwarzenegger sued a German doctor, who predicted his early demise, due to heart problems, as a result of steroid use. That same year, Schwarzenegger sued Globe Magazine for making a similar prediction. (Editor's Note: Evan Essence is not making any predictions about Schwarzenegger's lifespan.)

Schwarzenegger's iconic image is considered to have led to the current culture of drug usage among athletes. Most young athletes, today, are ignoring his warnings against steroid use, and continue to be enchanted by his steller performance as a weight-lifter, wich was made possible by his steroid use.

Schwarzenegger is on record as saying that he regretted spending so much time weight-lifting when he was young. "It was a really dumb thing to do, for so long", he stated. "Simply lifting a bar over your head time after time, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, year after year, is about as dumb as you can get!. I would have improved my mind more, if I had spent all of that time just watching cartoons on TV. I was all brawn and no brains. Because of my low self-esteem, I was consumed by an insatiable drive for fame and glory, to incessantly continue with this monotomous compulsion. I became famous", he said, "but I was famous for being a brain-dead, arrogant, grossly distorted, incredible hulk."

Schwarzenegger's drive for fame and glory, to compensate for his inner inadequacies, continues unabated, as he seeks to be re-elected governor, after his public approval ratings crumbled last year.

At this point political scientists have been unable to determine exactly what Schwarzenegger stands for in politics. In his first campaign, he promised that he would not accept any contributions from special interests, however, at this point in his career, he has succumbed to the temptations that he once railed against, and has accepted more money from special interests than any candidate in California history. In his first year in office he campaigned strenously against the Democratic Party. However, recently he appointed a leading Democrat as his Chief of Staff. "He's all over the place, and at the same time, nowhere", said political consultant Amy Hurtz. 'He aims to be a social liberal, and a fiscal conservative. But, of course, the two extremes are constantly in conflict, when it comes to the funding of social programs, at which point, he tries to play a little bit of that, sometimes some of the other. The only thing Schwarzenegger consistently stands for is the glitzy advertising promoting his desire for his own vain-glorious re-election."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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