Hugo Chávez, Secret Service agent's love child?

Funny story written by JAB

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

image for Hugo Chávez, Secret Service agent's love child?
'El Grande'

CARACAS --- Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez plans to sue the United States government and the Secret Service, a division of the Department of Homeland Security. Sources close to Chávez say details are still being finalized but will include, "abandonment, neglect and leaving the scene of an accident."

The charges come in the wake of the scandal involving U.S. Secret Service members and prostitutes in Cartagena, Columbia last month.

According to a source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, Mr.Chávez has always been suspicious of the circumstances of his birth. "When other kids in gym class nicknamed him, 'El Grande', he began to seriously wonder if his 'father' was actually biologically related to him," said the source.

Friends say, his recent health problems and his early medical records from St. Margaritaville Hospital in Qui Huest confirmed his suspicions. They said Venezuelan investigators narrowed their search to an advance team of Secret Service agents who were in the country within a year of Chávez's birth. The supervisor of those agents was Harry Reems who investigators believe is Chávez's biological father.

When reached in Lovelace, Texas, Mr. Reems confirmed, "I did work for the U.S. Secret Service, including duties in South America. The U.S. government has contacted me concerning my time in Venezuela with the agency. I told them it was a long time ago when I and another supervisor, John Holmes were there, so recollections are somewhat blurred."

"I voiced concern with the State Department about my affiliated companies in South America, especially, in Venezuela. Given the way Chávez has nationalized everything from cement to telecommunications and the personal vendetta he might have against me, I am worried about my business in Venezuela."

Mr. Reems is founder and CEO of The Deep Throat Frozen Bull Semen Co. the largest company catering to breeding farms throughout South America.

Board member and former Congressman Anthony Weiner has offered to "hang out in Caracas for as long as it takes" to see President Hugo Chávez.

Spokesmen for the Departments of State and Homeland Security headed by Hillary Clinton and Janet Napolitano respectively said, "They are still reviewing Mr. Reems 'records,'" before issuing a statement.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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