San Diego, March 21 - First floor resident Jonathan Campbell is now the prime suspect in a string of dirty dish leaving incidents that occurred here over the past six months. Attention turned to the Connecticut native after investigators today turned up critical evidence under the sofa-bed in the T.V. room, the scene of the most recent crime.
Two bowls and a glass were discovered late Monday afternoon, in this affluent San Diego neighborhood. In what has become a kind of gruesome calling card, the glass that was recovered contained partially dried orange juice residue, which is consistent with previous incidents in the area. More significant was the discovery that one bowl still held the desiccated remains of a quantity of Cinnamon n' Spice oatmeal, a food which is widely known to be Mr Campbell's breakfast of choice. Investigators at the scene placed the time of consumption at approximately seven o'clock Monday morning, an assessment which is consistent with Mr Campbell's work schedule.
Mr Campbell has been indicted several times previously for similar offenses, but lacking a coherent body of evidence, has always been acquitted of the charges facing him. Lead investigator Dan Battaglia was encouraged by today's discovery, "I think we finally caught him this time. He always leaves his dirty crap out, but if you say something he just denies it. Now he can't say shit though, cuz that fuckin' hippy's the only one who eats oatmeal." Mr Battaglia went on to say that when confronted on prior occasions, the suspect was always "a total dick about the whole thing," and he hopes that now the victims in the house will find some closure.
Residents in the area expressed little shock at Mr Campbell's implication in the crime. The suspect's first floor neighbor, Matthew Brunnelle, recalled his own run-ins with Mr Campbell's hygienic practices, "a couple weeks back, he left half a Papa John's pizza on top of the refrigerator for, like, three days. Then he all got pissed when I threw it away. Obviously I was like, whatever, cuz he's a total pussy, but seriously. That's just unsanitary." When asked whether Mr Campbell seemed capable of committing the crimes he's been accused of, Mr. Brunnelle said, "Definitely. I mean, just look at his beard."
The investigation had gained momentum in early March after the chilling discovery of a plate and cooking pot coated in macaroni and cheese sauce. The pasta bore Mr Campbell's unique condiment signature, as he is the only resident known to utilize ketchup with his macaroni, but was ultimately inconclusive. With evidence mounting in recent weeks, it is clear that the suspect had become more careful about disposing of his dirty dishes, often placing them in the sink and rinsing out the most identifiable evidence. His long soiling spree came to an end Monday night when he was confronted with the results of a detailed analysis. Research conducted by second floor residents showed that the bowl discovered on Monday did indeed bear the remains of Mr Campbell's Quaker Instant Oatmeal. Upon seeing the evidence against him, the suspect confessed to seventeen counts of improper disposal of an eating vessel, and thirty seven counts of improper disposal of flatware. He is now awaiting sentencing.
