'My Art is Dogshit' boasts Damien Hirst

Written by pinxit

Thursday, 4 November 2010

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BITCHIN' : Hirst (l), Banksy (r)

Notorious multi-millionaire artist Damien Hirst is making the streets and parks of London a little more colourful by painting miniature pictures on pieces of dog excrement.

"My whole career has consisted of polishing turds." says Brit Art's 'Bad Lad'. "Then I thought, 'why not paint them instead?', so I did. This is a natural development."

For the past six months, Hirst, renowned for his ground-breaking and controversial works 'Pickled Shark', 'Diamond-encrusted Bonce' and 'Distended Knob in Blue and Rhodamine', has spent days on end scouring pavements and parks for discarded dog doo-doos that he can 'bring to life' by painting them vivid colours where they lay.

"It's high-end concept art. Of course, as with all my other works I don't actually get my hands dirty by painting the shit myself. I should fucking cocoa." he giggles. "I have a team of highly skilled, minimum-wage lackeys from the Job Centre going round 'doing the business'."

Each installation of painted dog excrement, seventy-five in total, is surrounded by its own fence and 24-hour surveillance from security firms. Bonhams estimate that each piece is worth at least $1.5m.

"I've titled the whole concept 'Banksy' (renowned 'Street Art' agit-prop British artist)." says Hirst. "The cocky twat reckons he's the dog's bollocks, but my new magnum opus ironically shows the reality - that I'm the number one and he's a load of 'Number Twos'."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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