Heterosexual UK Man Wins $9m Discrimination Lawsuit in Workplace!

Funny story written by Morse

Wednesday, 13 October 2010


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Hetero Male Wins Discrimination Suit at UK Fudge Factory!

A working man, who can not be named due to threats of continuing harassment, has just been awarded over $9m, after being found "not guilty" of issuing "slurs" in the workplace.

The man, a loyal employee who put in 102 hours a week at his place of employment for the past 25 years, was a victim of Heterophobia when a shop foreman brought charges against him for what the foreman perceived were Homophobic comments during an impromptu meeting in the men's room.

According to the charges, the man responded to the complainant after the complainant 'inadvertently' bumped into the man while standing at the urinal, by saying, "I love you mate, but not in a Gay Way!"

Speaking for the defense, barrister Percey Hornewhitsle, said it was not quite the whole story.

According to the defendant, he was at the hopper doing his business after 5 hours on the line, when the plaintive sidled up to him, looked over his shoulder, and whispered, "Hey Mate...need some help with that?"

The defendant, a very tolerant man who respected his workmates, responded, "Well Boss, I like you a lot, you're a swell fella, and I enjoy takin the occasional pint with ya, but I can handle this meslef....I love ya, but not in a gay way!"

The court was thrown into an uproar after 14 other workers reluctantly came forward to testify about similar encounters. One employee said, "For the first week I was there I thought he was the loo attendant, always there with a piece of Kleenex offering to catch me drip, if you get me meaning...took me a while to catch on, and after that my promotion went down the crapper!"

The finding for the defendant was a surprise in the packed hearing room, as a recent survey in the UK announced that barely 1.5% of UK males were heterosexual, and it is only recently that the plight of heterosexual males have been made public.

Said the victor in the suit, through his barrister, "Well, right, I think it's about time we got some respect. I've endured 25 years without a pay raise, no promotion, having to wait in a queue to buy me beer, only to have some Ponce jump in front of me with his two bottles of wine and get served by a gay cashier...I mean, what's up with that shit?"

With the award, a proponent of Heterosexuality , identified only as "Client 9", said this should be recognized as a day that Heterosexuals can finally come out of the closet ."I'm tired of hiding my true feelings, " he said,' No longer do I have to be embarrassed going to the Oasis Bar & Grill, nor hide my membership there which allows me to consort with friends of the same bent but not in a Gay Way!"

The victory for Heterosexuals may soon express itself in a new political movement in the UK as well. According to sources at the Oasis, attributed to a bartender who hears everything, at least 4 members are considering a run for political office. "They're talking about setting things right in the country,' he said, there's lot's of our mates out there tired of bending over backwards for the majority....why can't these gays just try to 'get along?"

According to the Barkeep, the name of the new party will be " Devout Friends of Richard the Lion Hearted," or just plain " Stout Dicks" for short.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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