A local council has announced moves to close ALL swimming pools for the duration of the Islamic tradition of fasting during Ramadan.
Council leader Duncan Goodhugh said "There is a very real danger that ravenous Muslims will imbibe chlorinated water, deliberately or otherwise, and end up breaking their hunger strike".
He continued "Historically, swimming pools are a floating Smörgåsbord of culinary temptations. We want to see that temptation removed. We've found chops (pork AND lamb), eggs (scrambled AND boiled), fried bread, tins of beans and even half a COW floating in our pool. We've tried to remove as many of the bulkier food items as we can but it's difficult to police."
"Removing smaller food items such as toe nails, plasters and other people's skin can be problematic" he argued.
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Pensioner Sharron Davis was incensed. She said "Every Wednesday I get in this pool and swim with a plate of Cod, Chips and Mushy Peas. It's a pensioner's special. Swim and Dine for a fiver. Now they want to take the food out of the water. It's political correctness gone mad" she fumed.
Our female reporter asked Swimming Minister Colin De Schotts whether or not it would make more sense to keep pools OPEN and just ban Muslims for a month. He sniffed "That's divisive and racist. No, better to ban everybody so that everybody is equally inconvenienced" and walked away.
Getting into his awaiting car De Schotts accidentally left his microphone on and was heard to say "Bigoted woman. Open pools just for our own people? That'll never happen as long as I have a hole in my arse."
