Descendent of Paul Revere Declares, 'The British Keep Coming!'

Written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

image for Descendent of Paul Revere Declares, 'The British Keep Coming!'
The British Are Coming... All over everything, and not cleaning it up.

Thomas Jefferson George Revere, widely known but not necessarily respected for being the great, great, great, great grandson of noted Revolutionary War figure Paul Revere, continues to warn residents of Boston proper about the never ending invasion of what he describes as "Those filthy Red Coats".

Though long time residents of Boston and nearby Cambridge have grown a deaf ear to the incessant ramblings of Mr. T.J. Revere, as he is known locally, TheSpoof was the only news source still willing to sit with the man to hear his story and perhaps obtain a list of medications he may be taking.

According to Revere, who has struggled to maintain a profitable position in his Bed and Breakfast business venture in Cambridge, does so by limiting patronage to U.S. and French citizens only. Punctuated by a flashing warning banner on his B&B web page, Revere simply states "NO BRITISH". Asked if he still thought we were back in the days of the Revolutionary War, given the separation of allies from enemies on his welcome mat, Revere said, "Hell no. It's all due to the damage they cause during their stay. The French are much cleaner, if you can believe that, and don't cause as much permanent damage to our rooms when lodging".

To get a deeper insight into Revere's claims, housekeeper Juwanna Washington tells TheSpoof, "Well it's all in the stains they tend to leave behind. You know, love juice. Except that it's everywhere. Sheets, comforter, pillow cases, chairs, couch, drapes. I mean, like, damn. Drapes? How do you, or why would you squirt it all over the drapes? You just can't get those protein stains out".

Originally thought to be Revere's over reaction to a few isolated incidents, TheSpoof uncovered a British blog which may have led to the incidents in question. Headed by a direct descendant of the 1778 British General Thomas Gage, Timothy Wadsworth Gage now heads up his own effort to "Stick it to the Americans". Described in his blog, Gage outlines businesses and towns still tied to Revolutionary War figures and their descendants. "After all", says the Oxford educated Gage, "They are all just a bunch of unkempt, separatist rabble over there, aren't they? Barely a notch above those odiferous felons we tossed away on that wonderful penal colony in Australia".

Gage's blog now instructs British travelers to disguise their voices when making reservations in the Boston area, and advises bringing plenty of vitamin E to help with sperm production during their stay. "No better feeling really than glazing the drapes", says Gage. "You cannot use bleach to clean them. They are an immediate and expensive casualty of war".

Though Revere is more vigilant when screening his patrons, a few still manage to slip through. "I'm thinking I'll need to put a custom rug on the floor with the image of the queen, and ask visitors to wipe their feet. If they balk, we will know where loyalties lie."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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