Doctor William Harben, one of the Government's advisors on the foxhunting bill, today admitted that he may have been wrong about the harmful psychological effects of foxhunting on hunt members.
"I used to think that hunting brutalised participants, and would stress that that animal mutilation was one of the early warning signs for a subject developing serial killer or violent gang member tendencies in later life. But now I realise that I got it wrong."
Harben attributes his sudden change of heart to a hunt that he attended last week for research purposes.
"Sure, I was squeamish at first, but when you are in the middle of a bunch of guys all riding off to find and kill something, a wave of exhilaration hits you and everything suddenly seems right," said Harben, today. "I struggled at first when they pinned me down on the ground and smeared the fox's entrails over my face, but when your heart is pounding and the smell of fresh blood fills your nostrils, I have to say I became quite aroused. I can't wait to do it again."
Regular hunt member Daniel Crabb, 43, is not surprised by Harben's about-face.
"We always said that people's opposition to foxhunting was based on ignorance and prejudice. Look, at me, I've been doing this since I was a nipper, and it's never done me any harm. It's not like we are hunting down blackies, not that that wouldn't be a good idea, string em up I say, but you can't do that any more, the bleeding heart liberals just want to spoil everything. Let me just catch one of them on my land when I have my shotgun handy, they'll soon find who has the real power in this country."
His friend Toby agrees.
"The foxhunting community aren't criminals, we are the most law-abiding people you could hope to find. We are very pro law and order. Most of us are for capital punishment, hell, I'd do it myself, just give me the rope, I wouldn't even charge. But if you stop us from hunting we'll bring down the whole bloody country. We outnumber the police around here, and we have some of them as members. And we're organised. You can't mess with the rights of the British people. I tell you, people are going to be killed. Not that we'd actually kill anyone deliberately, ha ha, but when you have people with cameraphones wandering about the countryside, accidents happen, you know? People are going to die. We should put their heads on ***ing posts, to warn the others off, that's what we should do. Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet now."
"People get foxhunting all wrong," insists Crabb, "They think its about the killing. It's so not, because lots of times we ride out and never even /see/ a fox. It's about the _anticipation_ of killing, the feeling of supremacy, being with good friends dressed up in the red white and black, rocking back and forth in the saddle with a sweaty animal between your legs, and /thinking/ about the fox being ripped apart by the hounds. It's just healthy exercise and a good day out in the fresh air. Of course you always hope to see a kill, but sometimes I'm so excited I come just getting onto the horse."
"Education is the key," says Harben. We need to find ways of letting people understand these traditions. It's not easy, yesterday I took my wife to the bedroom and she took one look at the bucket of animal parts, the shotgun and the plastic sheeting and ran off screaming."
Harben's next project is to try to find ways to allow deprived city dwellers to enjoy some of the benefits of the hunt in an urban environment.
"Have you seen what happens when you shoot a cat in the head? Blood and brains everywhere. Lovely."
