Responding to the criticism of all Social Services departments across the UK over the handling of the Baby P case, West Nowhere Social Services are taking a much more pro-active approach.
"We do not want to be caught with our pants down," a spokeswoman for the SS said, "So we are taking children into care at the slightest allegation.
"Just yesterday, for example, a member of the public reported seeing an adult take a child into a public toilet and we just had to act.
"The parent laughably claimed that she was simply 'changing the baby's nappy' - a likely story!.
"Another woman was apprehended as she held a child's hand whilst crossing the road - clearly another sexual abuse case!"
The woman is in custody pending charges of child abuse and the child is now being brought up by our childless SS staff.
Warning signs at the entrance to the borough state:
"All children will be confiscated if in the company of adults."
This reporter looks forward to an increase in the crime figures when these kids grow up.